Time to Change – Day Seventeen

Today wound up being another good day.  It didn’t start out so optimistic though.  It was already 20 degrees and rising at 8am…yuck.  I mean, I guess I’d take it over the depths of winter but I certainly wasn’t in any mood for exercising like I’d planned.  As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a morning person at the best of times.  The thought of going for my walk with the temperature on the rise so early was too much.  I put on a couple of Netflix docos, ate my weetbix and procrastinated going clothes shopping instead.  I guess that was probably the real reason I wasn’t in a good headspace.  Like I talked about here, clothes shopping as an overweight person is extremely stressful and unappealing.  I had to do it though because I start my new job tomorrow, and they told me I had to have a black button up shirt…which I don’t have.  Button up shirts with E-cup boobs is never advisable.  I suspect I’ll be re-doing the buttons up continuously, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, by the time I convinced myself to switch off Netflix (it took awhile) and go to the shops, it was the middle of the day and freaking hot.  I was in the lightest, summer-iest dress I owned and I was boiling by the time I crossed the carpark.  I know in a couple of months I’ll be looking back on this and laughing, but coming out of  a cold winter, my body is really struggling to deal with the sudden onset of sunshine.

When I shop, I have a simple goal in mind: walk into as few shops as possible, try on as few items as possible, leave as quickly as possible.  I hate shopping.  I hate shopping centres and getting stuck behind giant groups of people walking so slowly they might as well just stop.  I hate trying to find stores.  I hate trying to find a carpark.  The whole thing is just so unappealing.  I will never be one to go to a place like that just for fun.  True to form, I raced into Target, looked at all the pretty dresses that weren’t designed for fat people, dug around until I found a black shirt, raced into the changeroom, decided it wasn’t great but for $8 it will do, bought it, hit up the grocery store, ticked off my 8 items on my shopping list then straight back to the car and out of there.  On the plus side, it clocked up 2000 steps so that made it almost worth it.

The rest of the day was spent actively avoiding the heat (not helped by the fact that my aircon doesn’t work).  I napped, caught up on other people’s blogs, played the Sims and watched more Netflix.  How did Australia ever get by without it?

Up until about 6pm, I was thinking my exercise wasn’t going to happen today.  It was still humid and I wasn’t feeling it at all.  Then suddenly, the cool change crept in.  Nothing beats the cool change after days of hot weather.  That was enough motivation for me to go outside and tick another day off.  It was another beautiful night.  It was overcast but still warm, and there was a faint smell of rain in the air.  If only it would actually eventuate…

As I mentioned earlier, I start my new job tomorrow.  I feel very weird about it.  I feel like I’m lying to them knowing I will probably be taking another job in the very near future.  I know it happens and it’s to be expected when I originally applied for a full time role there and all they could offer me was casual, but I still feel like I’m messing them around.  There’s nothing I can do about it though…I can’t risk telling them about it until I get a definite yes, in case I don’t get the other job.  It’s taken me so long to get anything at all.  At least for my first couple of weeks they’re only really short shifts, so I’m not putting anyone out too much I suppose.  I know I should be feeling excited, but I honestly don’t think I’ll be working there in a few weeks, and even if for some reason the other job falls through, this job isn’t something I ever envisioned for myself, nor is it something I’m passionate about.  It’s literally just a job and at 25, I feel very frustrated about that.  I feel like everything is out of my control and I don’t like it at all.  I know I just have to wait and see how everything pans out but God I’m sick of waiting.  I feel like that’s all my life as been for the past three months.  Waiting waiting waiting.

I also found out today my grandmother has uterine (?) cancer.  She’s been feeling off for a couple of weeks but she got a confirmed diagnosis today.  Just another crappy event in this extremely shitty year.  Mum had cancer about six months ago (luckily they could just cut it out and that was the end of it), and now her mum has it.  The worst part is, she’s got dementia (at least, the early stages of it) and she’s probably going to forget she’s even going through all this.  It’d be easier for her if my grandpa was still around because he was always there to remind her of what’s going on, but unfortunately he passed away last year.  It also doesn’t help she lives about an hour and a half away from the rest of her family.  It’s going to be tough on my mum and uncle, who will alternate driving down there and staying there on and off until this is over.  They’re hoping a hysterectomy will get it all…I hope so.  I honestly don’t know how she’ll cope if it’s anything more than that.  I don’t know how the family will cope in general.

Urgh.  2015 just needs to fuck off already.  I’m so over being dealt blow after blow.  The car accident on my birthday was definitely a bad omen or something.  I just want things to be easy again.

-JD