Zoltar’s Revenge

Daily Prompt Topic: In a reversal of Big, the Tom Hanks classic from the 80s, your adult self is suddenly locked in the body of a 12-year-old kid. How do you survive your first day back in school?

Even the thought of this scares me a little.  Twelve was such a tough age.  On the cusp of puberty, starting out at a brand new (much bigger) school, having lockers and class schedules and fancy uniforms and meeting all these new people.  On top of that, your adult teeth are still making their way in so you look kind of like a Jack-O-Lantern, and your hair just won’t co-operate so it’s embarrassingly frizzy.  Safe to say I’d never wish to go back to that age.

If I had to, I guess I would recognise that everyone is feeling the same way.  At the time, I felt like I was going through it all a lot tougher than most, when really, that probably wasn’t true.  It’s a scary time for everyone there, it’s just that some chose to see past that and be confident anyway.

If I went back, I’d try to get to know more people instead of just the handful of friends I already had.  I’d try to relax a bit more, and not get stressed over school work and fights between friends.  I’d try to eat healthier, as this was the year where my diet began to go downhill.  I’d try not to fit in so much, as it’s okay to be different, and fitting in was never on the cards anyway.

That all being said, I learnt a lot from my first year of high school.  A lot of them were hard lessons, but ultimately have helped shape me into the person I am now.  I’m glad I can’t go back and change things, because if I could, who knows what I’d be like now?

– JD

What a Wonderful Thought

So, today is day two of “Three Days, Three Quotes”.  If you missed yesterday’s, or aren’t sure what I’m referring to, click here!

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Today’s quote is also one that has been sitting towards the top of my “favourites” album in my phone for a long time.  It’s so optimistic and pretty and it’s also really true.  It doesn’t matter how perfect your life may be right at this second, things can change so quickly (as I’ve learnt first hand this year).  It’s easy to get bogged down in negativity and thinking things will never get better.  It’s hard to let go of things that were so amazing, things you thought would always be there.  It’s difficult to believe you’ll ever be that happy again.  This quote reminds me that it’s possible…in fact, more than possible, it’s definite.  There are great days ahead, days you can’t even imagine, with people you probably haven’t met, in places you never knew about it.  Change is constant and sometimes for the best, even if it seems scary.  Six months ago, I’d never in a million years think I’d be where I am today.  If someone had of told me, I’d have laughed at them and told them they’re joking.  Instead, I’m not only there, but really enjoying it.  That’s why I picked this quote for today.

Today’s three nominees are blogs I just found within the last couple of days.  I hope you like them as much as I did 🙂
Stephellaneous
Life of an El Paso Woman
What Makes Me Amber

Come back tomorrow for my final thrilling installment 😉

Time to Change – Day Sixteen

Today was one of my good days.  I felt a lot less gross and crampy than yesterday, and I got a bit more sleep than I’d been averaging over the last week (I resorted to sleeping tablets, though they were a different brand to what I’m used to and definitely not as potent.  Still, they did the job enough for me to not feel like a zombie).  As I said yesterday, I was willing to give myself a day off from exercise, so I skipped my morning walk.

I ate a healthy breakfast of weetbix and chia seeds with honey, which is fast becoming my favourite option for my first meal of the day as it is easier to prepare than eggs and healthier than toast.  By the time lunchtime rolled around, I was in one of those weird moods where I’m kind of hungry but not enough to eat.  This lasted well into the afternoon.  I nibbed on some BBQ Shapes but wasn’t really into it, and put them away pretty quickly.

Thankfully my appetite came back for dinner, and I made up the rest of my daily calories then.  I was feeling pretty good, the best I’d done in over 24 hours, and the weather outside was cooling down after another hot day as the sun was sinking.  My dog was carrying on, obviously upset that I hadn’t taken her for her exercise, so I decided that I wasn’t going to skip it today after all.

It’s funny, even now I don’t really feel guilty when I eat the wrong thing (okay, maybe slightly, but nothing I can’t easily overlook), but when I think about skipping exercise – even for a legitimate reason – I can’t bring myself to do it.  I wouldn’t say I enjoy it…not consciously, anyway.  I hate feeling sore and sweaty and out of breath.  I guess on a subconscious level, though, my body is enjoying the benefits of my new routine, and because of that, I feel really lazy and gross if I don’t make the effort and go.  I remember feeling the same way when I started a gym routine a few years back…I’d just forgotten about that feeling up until now.  It’s good that it’s happening, because if it wasn’t, I know for a fact I wouldn’t have made the effort tonight.  Even with the guilt, I was still on the fence about it.  What tipped me over was just how beautiful an evening it was.  Daylight savings had finally kicked in, so it was getting darker later, and the air was still warm from the day, without the sun to make it unbearable.  The sky was tinged with pink and the breeze was soft and welcoming.  I walked a little slower than usual just to enjoy it a bit longer (and also because walking on a full stomach wasn’t the greatest life choice) and got home right at the sun was disappearing completely.

Despite the pretty night, I think I’ll try to go back to my morning routine tomorrow.  Like I’ve mentioned previously, I think it’s best to get into the habit so when I start working full time again, it won’t be such an effort to go beforehand.  Plus, as safe as my area seems, there’s always a lingering doubt about walking around as it’s getting dark.  It’s a sad world when females have to think like that, even when there doesn’t appear to be any immediate danger.

Hope y’all had an awesome day too!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Fifteen

Today was another tough day.  I slept horribly (again, it seems to be becoming the norm…which isn’t totally uncommon), woke up hot and uncomfortable and it didn’t take long to work out it was that time of the month.

Urgh.

The first and second days are always pretty rough for me.  I get cramps, I’m grumpy, I’m perpetually tired (not helped by my shitty sleeping patterns of late) and I usually get pains elsewhere as well.  Now, as if this wasn’t bad enough, daylight savings kicked in at 3am.  While I love daylight savings and having the sun out for longer at night…I did not need to lose an hour in amongst all this.  Oh, and did I mention that I decided it was a fantastic idea to stay up til midnight last night?  For no reason?  Yeahhh.  My body clock refuses to let me sleep past 7am (it doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t need to get up for work any more), so I was up and moving at 8, thanks to daylight savings, but feeling like death.  Achingly tired and crampy and gross.

Today is going to be a skip-exercise day.

That’s what I initially planned, as I stumbled around my house in a sleep-deprived coma.  I jumped on the scales and saw something that shocked me back into reality – despite having a bad couple of days just 48 hours prior, I was back to where I was before that!  I was back on track!  How did that happen?  I’d put almost a kilo back on and now it was gone again.  I know hormones probably had a bit to play in it, and maybe I didn’t actually overeat as badly as I thought I’d done, but either way, the aches and pains seemed slightly more bearable.  Slightly.

I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.  I felt horrible.  When I get cramps, they aren’t just in my tummy, they radiate down my legs and into my back and just make me feel overall rundown and exhausted.  I knew it would be too hot to exercise later, and I also knew if I put it off until then it just wouldn’t happen.  So I made one of the toughest decisions of this journey so far – I got up off the oh-so-comfy couch, pulled on my shoes and walked.  My weight loss was more important than an hour of feeling sorry for myself.  The sun was warm (warmer than yesterday because I’d left later) but it was okay.  There was almost no wind, which was a nice change.

About halfway through the cramps came back with a vengeance.  It came in waves of pain, then nausea, then feeling faint.  There was nothing for it though, I was halfway and as far away from home as I could be.  I had to soldier on.  I knew I wasn’t going to die, so I just planted one foot in front of the other and imagined my soft, comfy couch that was waiting for me at the end of this torture.  I survived.  It was the toughest walk I’d been on by far, and realistically, giving myself a day off probably wouldn’t have been such a terrible idea, but I did it.  Another day I can successfully tick off.

I’ve spent most of the day dozing and reading.  It’s days like this I hate being a girl.  I’m just glad I didn’t have plans, because I don’t know if I’d have made it to them.  We’ll see how tomorrow goes.  If I’m feeling just as crappy, I probably won’t be exercising.  But we’ll wait and see 🙂

-JD

Time to Change – Day Fourteen

Today was a good day.  There’s nothing quite like the anticipation of a beautiful, warm spring day, especially after a cold winter.  I won’t go into too much detail, as I already talked about it here.  It really put me in a good headspace, which after putting weight back on wasn’t exactly where I was at yesterday.

I woke up at 6am after a crappy sleep again.  My neck was sore from all the tossing and turning I’d done, and I’d had weird dreams with a Vanessa Carlton backing track (true story).  Normally after a night like that, it completely throws out my day as I struggle to shake off the grumpiness.  I don’t do well when I’m tired.  However, I knew I needed to shake it off and get my head in the game if I had any chance of dropping the weight I’d put back on.  Instead of going back to sleep like my eyes were pleading me to do, I got up, pulled on my shoes and took the dog for her walk.  The temperature was supposed to be really warm and I didn’t want to fall back asleep and wake up when it was too hot to go.

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The other reason I made myself go so early was because I knew at some point, this would probably have to become the norm for me, once I start working again.  As much as I don’t like that idea (especially because it will probably be right on dawn as it’ll be daylight savings), I’ve done it before, a few years ago when I lived in an apartment that backed onto a beautiful lake and walking track.  I’d get up before work, pull on my Nikes and do a full loop of the track (being extremely careful to give the angry geese a wide berth…those things were terrifying!).  I really miss that walking track, it was always so peaceful and beautiful.  I lived there prior to getting my dog, and I know it’s absolutely out of the question to have stayed there with her.  Still, pictures like this come up in my Timehop and my heart sinks just a little bit.

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No filter needed!  Still, the estate I’m in now isn’t without it’s charms and it doesn’t have any crazy geese.  None that I’ve run into yet, anyway!

Anyway, I digress.  What was I talking about?  Oh right.  So the early morning walk went well.  It was a beautiful day.  The sun was already out but it hadn’t started warming up too much.  It was windy, but nothing out of the ordinary.  My nan refers to the area as “the windiest place on Earth”…while she has a knack for exaggerating, it’s hard to find a day where there isn’t a strong breeze.  By the last kilometre, my legs were really sore…a lot more than usual.  I suspect it was because when I go for my walks later in the day my muscles have had a chance to stretch and warm up a bit prior…they didn’t get that chance today and it never occurred to me to stretch before I go.  I know you’re technically supposed to do it before any exercise but a light walk is hardly what anyone would call strenuous.  Lesson learnt.

The rest of today was spent reading other people’s blogs, soaking in the tub, enjoying the fresh air and watching the season finale of “Finding Carter”.  It’s not often I get into shows like that (they’re so American and the cast is always so goddamn beautiful it’s painful to watch) but the storyline of this really sucked me in and the plot twists were fantastic.  So now I’m left hanging and already dying for it to come back…which is why I don’t let myself watch shows like this.  Ah well.

I feel like I haven’t eaten the best today but MyFitnessPal seems to say I’m tracking okay, both calorie-wise and in terms of my carbs/fats/protein portions.  I’m going to give it an even better go tomorrow, now that I’ve eaten through a majority of the junk food that was leftover from when my friend was here.  Time to get serious about shifting the weight again.  I’ll probably go for another early walk tomorrow as it’s gonna be pretty warm again.  Plus, getting it out the way before breakfast leaves the day wide open to enjoy, instead of putting it off and procrastinating.

Hope everyone else enjoyed the weather like I did!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Thirteen

So, I fell off the wagon.  Instead of going out to eat a few days ago, we made the mistake of going to the supermarket when hungry and when my friend was going through a rough point in her life.  We bought too much junk and she stayed over for a couple of days, and between bad food and alcohol, I’m almost back to where I started (though not quite thankfully).

I’m back on the diet and exercise now, and I’m even more determined this time.  Now that I know how easy it is to give in to temptation, I’m going to do even more to avoid it.  I made sure I went for my walk today even though it was warmer than it has been in a very long time, and I’ve stayed under my calorie limit by a fair bit today.  I also made sure I focused mainly on protein to make up for the extra fat and carbs I’ve eaten over the past couple of days.

I’m also going to make sure I write as much as possible – it was very easy to allow myself to fall off the wagon when I wasn’t writing because I didn’t have to acknowledge it.  It was like slipping straight back into my old habits, and while it tasted amazing, putting weight back on that it’d started to shift didn’t taste as good.

I got some good news yesterday – I’ve most likely landed a full time job in a fancy new store.  I’ll get a definite answer yes or no early next week, but I’m so happy about it.  I was glad I was offered something last week but I was nervous it was only a casual job.  A full time job is ideally what I need as it’s guaranteed hours, which I need to make sure I can pay my rent and bills!

Tomorrow’s temperature is supposed to be even warmer than today so I’ll be going for my walk early.  Not ideal to start a new job all sunburnt!  I’m also going to keep planning my meals in advance.  I’m not going to let a couple of bad days drag me down!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Three

So, I’m three days into my health kick.  I’ve been eating well, monitoring my calories (I know that’s not an ideal way to lose weight, but I find it helps to track what I’m eating and plan ahead) and exercising.  Not exercising as much as I’d like, I’ll admit, but moreso than normal (which up until recently, was none at all).  The scales haven’t started reflecting the change but I’m not going to let that worry me just yet – it’s early days!

I felt okay for the first two days.  Not really any different to normal.  Today, though, I felt lethargic, easily stressed and found it hard to focus.  On top of that, I started getting a migraine around midday, which isn’t completely unusual for me, but I haven’t had one in awhile.  I believe this is my body having sugar withdrawals, and it isn’t fun.  The only sugar I’ve had for three days is natural stuff in fruit, and I guess my body knew it wasn’t what it was used to.

I know this is potentially only the beginning of the adjustments my body is going to go through, and while I’m not looking forward to it if it’s anything like today, I know it needs to happen.  As much as it sucks, it tells me that my diet is having an effect, even if the scales haven’t picked up on it yet.

So far, I haven’t been overly tempted to eat sugar or fatty foods.  Oh sure, I see donuts or chocolate at the grocery store and think for a second how easy it would be to grab it, but I know if I’m going to have any success this time around, that I can’t do that, even if realistically one thing here or there won’t hurt.  As soon as I let myself have one of those moments, everything starts to fall apart.  I know at some point I’m going to have to cross that bridge when I’m out with friends, but I feel that the longer I can completely avoid it, the better off I’ll be.

I’m actually a little surprised that I haven’t had cravings.  That was a lot of my eating issue – I live by myself, and if I felt like eating something and I got it into my head that I wanted it, then I’d go out and buy it.  While I was heavy prior to living alone, I feel like it has exacerbated the problem because nobody is there to say “that’s not a good idea” or give disapproving looks.   Not that it’s up to anyone else as to what I put into my mouth, but it certainly helped to worry that someone is judging you when you binge eat ice cream or order in a pizza.  This is why I have to be super careful not to fall off the wagon, and why I’m going to keep writing updates.  It helps to keep myself in check!

More updates to come =)

-JD

Time to Change – Day One

So, it’s become particularly apparent of late that my weight is an issue.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been on the heavy side.  I realized I was quite big (that’s the nicest way of putting it) a couple of years ago.  Instead of stopping myself then and there, I let the problem get worse.  I don’t know how much I’ve gained between then and now, it could be 10kgs or 15, I’m not 100% sure.  All I know is, I look back on photos of when I was a teenager only 5 or 6 years ago, and I was a different person (and not because of my emo attire back then).  The sad thing is, at the time, I thought I was fat then too.  Okay, I was still a size 14, but I WASN’T FAT.  Not like now.

It’s easy for fat people to blame so ciety, to say “love me the way I am”, to see it as normal.  I’m not suggesting that people should be allowed to trash talk or bully overweight people – I’m sure the views on themselves are worse than what anyone else could say anyway – but I know personally, I used all three of those lines as excuses.  “We’re just in a fat world now, it’s not weird”.  I’d convince myself of this.  I knew even as I was using them though that it was nothing more than a defense mechanism.  If I hate myself at this size, why do I have any right to expect anyone else to love me for it?

In Australia, almost 2 out of 3 adults are overweight.

Let that sink in a little.  That is a huge, huge number.  This is also why it’s so easy for individuals like me to sweep the issue under the rug.  To shrug it off, say that it’s just the way it is.

It doesn’t have to be.

Some people have genuine health problems that lead them to become overweight, I appreciate that.  I also think that a lot of people use this as an excuse.  It’s easier to explain away your weight if you can find a condition to blame it on.  I’m not suggesting this is true in all cases (it’s obviously not), but I find it hard to believe that almost 2/3rds of the population is fat due to a hormone imbalance or medication.

I guess I’m straying from my point.  Right now, I don’t care about the rest of the world.  If they are happy with themselves, then great.  I’m no longer going to let them drag me down into this “normality”.  I’m fat because I made myself fat.  If people with an alcohol problem need to acknowledge their problem before they move forward, then it stands to reason people with an eating problem do too.

I made myself fat.

I’ve put on about 30kgs in 5 years.  It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.  It’s easy to overlook it when it happens gradually.  It’s even easier when you spend a majority of your days around overweight people.  I worked full-time and about an hour away, in a shopping centre where fast food is everywhere.  Even if I avoided the greasy temptations there, I’d stop off at Maccas on the way home for dinner.  It’d leave at 7.30am and get home at 6.30pm.  I’d be tired before work, I’d be even more tired after work.  Too tired to exercise.  On the weekends I’d channel surf, play computer games and go out to lunch with friends.  The weekend was my time.  I’m not going to ruin it with boring, uncomfortable exercise.  This is how the weight crept on – through all the excuses I fed myself along with all the fast food.

For those of you who haven’t experienced being overweight, you probably can’t really imagine it.  I mean, you probably think you can, and it’s probably partially correct.  Having never been naturally skinny, I don’t know what you’d think it’s like.  Let me break it down for you.

  • You wake up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror and hate yourself.  Imagine that for a second.  Your day hasn’t even started and it’s already off on the wrong foot because of your reflection.  Some people chose to avoid mirrors for this reason.  I did for a long while.  Then I moved into a rental with mirrored wardrobes and suddenly I don’t have that luxury any more.  Even if you avoid the mirrors, you know that you have to face the world and everyone else is going to see you.  Yep, such a great start to each day.
  • It’s lunchtime.  You forgot to pack lunch (it happens).  Suddenly, you realize you have to buy lunch.  From a food court.  One of the most unhealthy food selections around.  You can spend half your lunchbreak trying to find something healthy (and break the bank for the trouble), or you can get take away.  Inevitably, you get take away, and while you eat it, you try not to look like you’re enjoying it too much (even though take away always tastes like heaven).  You hate yourself.  The fat person is eating greasy take away.  You feel like a massive stereotype.  You are a massive stereotype.  You assume everyone is judging you, even your friends.
  • The seasons are changing.  Oh god, you need to go clothes shopping.  Is today going to be the day you can no longer find things at Target that fit you?  Even if you can find things that fit, will you find anything that doesn’t pull awkwardly and make you look even bigger?  Clothes shopping is one of the most stressful, horrible things a fat person can do.  It’s in public, it’s uncomfortable trying so many different things on and it’s depressing when you find cute things and know they’d never make it in your size (and if they do, it won’t sit right because it was made for thin people).  You wind up buying clothes you don’t even really like, purely because they fit and don’t make you feel too much worse about yourself than normal.
  • You friends are all getting engaged and pregnant and you are single, and always have been.  You’ve been on a couple of dates but nothing came from them.  You’ve liked people but they weren’t interested (big surprise, you’re huge).  You know even if you managed to find someone, you’d be thinking the whole time “why are they with me?” and assuming all their family and friends are not only judging you, but your partner as well for being with someone so big.  You’re plagued with such self-loathing and doubt that you ruin anything before it even starts.
  • You apply for jobs, but you first have to work out whether you’d be suitable for it.  Is their uniform going to fit you?  Are you going to be someone they want representing them?  You mentally rule out most clothing places, most real estate jobs…basically anything where skinny, beautiful people are front and centre.  Even when you land an interview, you know deep down you probably won’t get it because someone more attractive will get it.  Yes, this is discrimination, but how can anyone actually prove it?

These reasons are why fad diets are so popular, and always have been.  Who doesn’t want a quick fix to address oversized stomachs, flabby arms and chubby thighs?   Especially when your friend’s friend (supposedly) had great success with it.  I’ve always tried to avoid fad diets, though I have tried a couple.  No success whatsoever, needless to say.

I have a terrible diet and I hate exercise.  If we’re being honest about everything, it’s best to start there.  I don’t think this is a particularly unusual thing in this “normal fat” world.  It’s too easy to find amazing tasty (extremely fatty, greasy) food and too hard to find motivation to get off the couch.  I’m also a fussy eater.  I always have been.  Before you start, it’s not something you can just turn off.  I’m sure you have something you hate the taste of – I just dislike the taste of a wider variety of things.  I wish I didn’t as it makes having a healthy diet harder.  I don’t know who’s to blame for it.  It’s easy to point the fingers at my family, but my sister isn’t fussy like me.  I guess it doesn’t matter, it just is what it is and what it is is an additional complication to weight loss.

Today, I’m making a change.

I’m done with being fat.  I’m done with wishing I could wear cute clothes.  I’m done with convincing myself that pizza for dinner won’t hurt.  I’m done sitting on the couch all day wishing things were different.

I’m 91 kilograms today.  I ate donuts for breakfast like this is normal.  IT ISN’T.

September is the last month I’m going to be 91kgs.

It’s going to be difficult, and progress will no doubt be slower than I’d like.  That’s the issue, isn’t it?  You feel motivated, work out a couple of times, the scales don’t change and you go back to your old ways.  That’s how it’s always been for me anyway.

This time it’s different.  This time, I’m laying everything out in the open.  I’m going to document everything on here.  I’m sure it’s been done a thousand times before by other people going through the same struggle.  I don’t care.  I’m not doing it for other people and their light-reading enjoyment.  I’m doing it for me.  The best motivator for me is to know other people are watching.  That if I fail, I’m letting them down too, not just me.  It’s easy to let myself down – the easiest thing in the world – but I hate letting other people down.  I hate trying to explain why.

Today I went for a 50 minute walk around my suburb.  I haven’t gone on a walk like that in at least a year.  I can’t even remember the last time I went on one that long.  And you know what?  I surprised myself.  I assumed – wrongly – that I’d be sweating bullets and feeling awful by the 20 minute mark.  I didn’t start to feel that way until I was almost home, and even then, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  The sun was out, the sky was blue and it was really nice.  More proof that I really do have it in me to change.  I’m also going to plan out my meals ahead of time, so I don’t fall into my old lazy ways of snacking on bad food or cooking quick meals.

This won’t be easy, but it will be done.  It has to be.  It’s time to change.cb7aaf5ad5b963b95c7485c46c4f27d011123890_1429776213994099_1480929173_n