Time to Change – Day Thirty-One

Sorry I’ve been a bit slack in updating this.  It’s a lot harder to maintain a daily blog after a full work day and a Foxtel box filling fast with TV shows.  I’ve had an okay couple of days.  It’s my first full week back at work that doesn’t involve sitting in a classroom.  I feel like the store doesn’t know how to treat me.  It’s not their fault, I was always going to be in a different league to the normal newbies.  They want to treat me the same but I get bored and zone out.  I put my own contract through almost without help today (three days into the job) and I know they were all really nervous I’d mess up.  I did okay though – no major issues from what I could see.  The only problem with independence is that they then assume I can do everything and while I’m advanced, I’m not that far ahead, purely because I just haven’t shadowed people enough to witness them doing certain things.  So then it’s this awkward “ready but not ready” phase.  I want to serve customers alone, I hate following people and being treated like I don’t know anything…but I also hate it when they try to give me something to do and I have to admit I don’t know.  I’m sure it makes them think I’m not ready and I should be shadowing.  Urgh.  Who’d have thought having experience could make things so complicated?

Speaking of experience, my old workmates have finally caught on that I’m back in the centre again.  I accidentally crossed paths with my old manager as I was buying breakfast, and she obviously told the ASM, and the two of them kept walking past all morning.  Seriously, grow up.  Particularly the ASM, as I worked exactly half a shift with her and so doesn’t know me at all.  From what I’ve heard, almost the whole store hates her, and she can think what she wants about me and my actions, but at least I was well-liked when I was there.  I know it shouldn’t bother me that they’re being so immature, but it kind of does.  A little.  I expected it, of course, but I still don’t like it.  I’m trying to move on with my life and they’re there, dragging me back into the drama.  I’m not expecting them to be happy for me, but I also didn’t expect to have to put up with this rubbish.  I just hope they get over it quickly.  I feel like I’m in a zoo or something.

I’ve been eating…okay.  Better than last week but still not great.  I’ve been having banana bread for breakfast (not great), lite apple crumble yoghurt from my favourite place in the centre for lunch (not too bad)…but then by dinner I fall apart.  It’s my fault, I was supposed to have a gameplan lined up but it hasn’t happened.  I’m going to do it properly from next week, after I’ve gone to the shops and collected food to take to work.  I need to eat a better breakfast, that much I know.  I love banana bread but I know it’s really sugary and not at all as healthy as the name suggests.  I also need to go back to healthy dinners.  Tonight I had fish, but last night I had Maccas…not great.  It’s tough being back in my old stomping ground in some respects, because it’s so easy to slip back into old habits, such as take away on the way home.  I’m going to really try not to let that happen again.  My self-control is definitely getting stronger, but it’s still not great.  I think planning meals out will help me stay on track and not get lazy or let my cravings get the better of me.

Although my weight hasn’t changed dramatically on the scales, I definitely feel like I’ve lost weight around my tummy.  It looks smaller in the mirror.  I’m grateful I can see some changes, because I’m a month in and feeling very deflated that my weight isn’t dropping.  I know I’ve had a rough couple of weeks with my diet but I didn’t think it was that bad, save for a few meals scattered throughout.

I haven’t been going on my walks.  My foot isn’t getting any better and I don’t know what to do about it.  Wearing a brace doesn’t seem to help, wearing supportive shoes isn’t helping, resting it doesn’t change anything and exercise makes it worse.  I don’t know whether to just ignore the pain and go out anyway (and risk making it worse), or continue avoiding exercise and risk gaining weight.  Part of me wants to go out and exercise (especially for the dog’s sake) but I’m terrified of doing more damage as I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t stand.  I can’t risk anything that will affect my job.  It’s just so annoying it isn’t getting any better!

It was payday today, my first one at my new job.  I’m super happy as it looks like my hourly rate is higher than my old job – I only worked for two-thirds of a payrun and my pay was only slightly lower than a full cycle at my previous work.  So good!  I need all the extra money I can get as I’m building a house at the moment and I know little things are going to crop up as it happens.  Super excited for it to be done though, I hate renting.  Such a waste of money and you don’t have the freedom to do what you want either.  Unfortunately the land settlement keeps getting pushed further and further back so who knows when the construction will actually start.

I’ve got three days left of the week and I’m already hanging for Saturday so I can nap.  I feel like it doesn’t matter how much I sleep, it’s never enough.  I don’t know why I feel so drained…the job isn’t hard or anything majorly different to what I’ve done for what feels like forever, but I’m more tired every evening than I can remember being in a long time.  I guess it’s just a big adjustment coming from three months of relaxation and unemployment…and it’s stressful being in a new environment surrounded by people and systems you don’t know very well.  I’m sure after a few weeks I’ll get used to everything and maybe I won’t feel so wrecked.  Until then, I’m going to savour my weekends and catch as many z’s as a I can.

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Nine

Yesterday I had a good surprise come my way.  I told you my luck is changing!  I jumped on the scales, expecting bad news, as I’ve eaten very poorly over the past week while I was trying to re-adjust to working life.  Instead, I’m at my lowest weight yet!  Not by much, granted, and given that my weight fluctuates so much there’s a good chance it won’t stay that low for long, but still…it was a very happy surprise!  I knew I’d been doing a lot more steps during the week, what with catching public transport and working in the city, but I thought I’d counteracted all that by eating fast food for lunch each day.  I guess not!

Apart from that pleasant surprise, yesterday was a pretty good day overall, although it was a little hectic for my liking (given that’s I’m back to the standard two days a week off).  I slept in a little, then got up, went to get my nails done – purple and sparkly this time! – then hit up the grocery store as I wanted to try banana M&Ms and banana Tim Tams (I’m obsessed with banana flavoured anything), and then across the road to get some “get well” balloons for later on.  [Side note for Australians: Banana Tim Tams are amazing, banana M&Ms are okay but not fantastic.]

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Once that was done, I headed to mum’s and then we headed off on an hour drive to visit my grandma in hospital.  As I mentioned here, she was diagnosed with cancer last week.  They operated on her a few days ago, though with her dementia, she often can’t remember it, as I predicted.  She was looking pretty good when we got there, sitting up in a chair by the window, watching a massive tree slowly get cut down at a property across the road from the hospital.  She was as talkative as always, and just as forgetful.  She switched from talking about the operation and going home, to asking when the operation was.  At one point she was so convinced she hadn’t had it yet that my mum had to show her the scar.  This apparently happens quite a lot.  My parents and uncle are talking about putting her in respite care prior to her going home, as they’re worried she’ll get home and forget all about what happened, then lift something heavy or do something she shouldn’t and do damage to her scar.  As my grandpa passed away last year, she lives by herself, and she’s always been very independent (probably where I got it from!) so her staying with one of us is probably not an option as she’d refuse, and one of us staying there isn’t ideal either as she lives an hour and a half away.  Still, I think she’ll be very frustrated in respite care.  Her independence will feel like it’s in jeopardy.  Not much anyone can do though, really…a bit of a blow to her self-esteem is better than a stomach full of popped stitches.  Plus, once she gets out of care, she probably won’t remember too much about it anyway, so I guess that’s a plus.

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After we got back from the hospital, I headed straight home to go to a house warming.  I’d gotten ready, jumped in the car and gotten all of about two streets away when I get a text from one of my friends I was meeting there saying she’d been held up and would be about an hour late.  As the other friends I knew were going to be as late as that too, I turned around, headed home and killed time.  That’s one of the pitfalls of being shy and introverted…you absolutely cannot be the awkward person at the party who doesn’t know anyone.  It’s way too stressful.  I got a message about half an hour later asking if I could pick my friend up at the station on the way.  Another introvert secret – we love having an excuse to turn up to a party with someone else!  I said yes and headed out.  Even with navigation, I still always manage to get lost.  Sometimes it’s my fault for diverting from the map, and sometimes it’s the nav’s fault for being vague or misleading.  Last night, it was the nav’s fault for being vague.  I missed the turn off and wound up getting stuck for 15 minutes on one of my least favourite stretches of road ever.  Worse than that, because I didn’t know exactly where the station was, I also drove right past it, and where I was isn’t very forgiving when that happens, especially on a busy Saturday night.  There weren’t any parks, I couldn’t find side street to turn down and the roads were narrow and packed which added to my stress levels.  Worse, when I finally found side streets to turn down (kilometres away from the station), they were all one-way.  Seriously?!  My friend called me and asked where I was, and I could only give her vague answers because I legitimately didn’t know.  I wound up driving around some more, and between me basically doing a circle of the block and her notching up her step count, we finally managed to meet up, a good half an hour later.

By the time we arrived at the house warming we were an hour later than we initially planned, but our other friends had only just turned up so it was all good in the end.  It was fantastic to see them all again as it had felt like forever, and we chatted away like no time had passed at all.  Before we knew it, it was time to head off.  I had to drop my friend to her partner’s place right in the heart of the CBD (did I mention how much I hate the city?!), which was fine up until she jumped out of the car.  Then I was alone with my nav again…and my nav hates the city just as much as me.  It basically managed to get me on one side of the bridge, do a massive U-turn through the city, then get back on the other side.  I’m still not sure how it managed that.  I missed one turn but as far as I’m aware, it wasn’t one that led straight to the bridge, so it shouldn’t have caused major issues like that.  Then again, I’m the most directionally-challenged person ever, so maybe it was a bigger deal than I thought?

Anyway, what should have taken me about 40 minutes took me over an hour, but I finally got home.  It was the latest I’d been out in a very long time, but I’d had a great time and I’m so happy I finally got to see those guys again.  They make me so happy.

This morning I slept in a little again, got up, tried to catch up on some of my TV shows that had piled up during my busy week, planning after a few episodes to get some housework done.  Instead, I had a long soak in the tub, then got out, put on another episode and promptly fell asleep.  I woke up 3 hours later feeling refreshed but guilty – I hadn’t exercised, done housework, put a dent in my TV shows or even eaten properly.  I didn’t dwell on it though.  My slept debt had been pretty huge after this week, so it wasn’t massively surprising I’d fallen asleep.  I got up, put some washing on, made a very late lunch and re-watched the TV show I’d fallen asleep through.  Now I’m sitting in the sun, blogging, glad it’s not too hot.  I might go for a walk later, although my foot is still giving me issues.  I’ll see how I feel.  I’d really only be going for the dog’s sake, as if it were up to me, I’d be resting my foot in preparation for tomorrow and the rest of the week.  I just feel bad because now I’m working full time again, the dog is being left alone a lot, which makes me want to take her for her beloved walks.  Decisions.

Like I mentioned, I’m back at work tomorrow, my first full week of being at my new job out of training.  I’m really looking forward to it.  The team is awesome and I feel like within a couple of days I should be right to do a lot of things without help.  I can’t wait for that.  I feel like such a bother having to tag along with other people.  I know it’s inevitable and part of a new-job experience, but it still sucks.  I guess it’s just my fierce independence showing through again.  I hate relying on other people for things!  Hopefully it’ll go well 🙂

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Six

Today was a tough day.  I woke up knowing it wouldn’t be a barrel of laughs, but it was definitely worse than I anticipated.  It started out much the same as every other day this week – getting ready quickly, walking to the bus stop, commuting by bus and train to the city.  We were in a different place today and I am extremely directionally challenged.  I managed to get thoroughly lost despite following Google Maps in my hand, messaging one of the guys I was meeting asking where it was and only being about 300 metres away.  How do I manage it?  Talent.

Anyway, so that kind of threw off my day even more.  I hate getting lost.  It’s stressful and frustrating and seems to always happen when you really don’t need it to.  Once I finally got there, we went in and started the day.  We registered ourselves onto different internal websites, then spent hours doing compliance modules.  For anyone who’s ever had to endure them, you’ll understand my pain.  It was horrendous.  Thankfully, I’d had plenty of experience in my previous job with very similar trainings so I smashed through them and finished first.  Even finishing first, I still spent a good chunk of my day on it.  Once that was done we worked out rosters and where we’ll be placed to train for the next month.  Wouldn’t you know it, I got landed two shops down from where I used to work?

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Of all the shops in all the state you have to put me there.  Next to a store full of people who hate me.  Next to people I wouldn’t trust again in pink fit.  Part of me wants to walk past them all and wave and act like this was part of my game plan (a rather large part, actually).  Another part wants to park as far away from possible, sneak into the store, hide from the front of it as much as possible and not leave it until home time so they won’t see me.  Still not sure which route will actually happen.  I think it’s unrealistic to think I’ll be able to avoid all of them for a whole month…especially because I need my pants altered and that shop is right outside my old work.  Yep, I think plan A is what will happen.

Anyway, so after finding that out we needed to try on uniforms.  Something I’d been dreading.  Please be big sizes, I thought.  I hate hate hate working out uniform sizes so much.  It was every bit humiliating and embarrassing as I thought it would be.  I tell them size 20, they look at me and say “no way, you’re not a 20, you’re like a 14”.  Um, I haven’t been a 14 since high school.  Try on an 18, too small.  No size 20s.  Try on a 22, and it fits.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

They don’t have any shirts in stock to fit me, even in guy sizes.  Great.  I’m the only one without a shirt now while they order it in.  Fuck.  I have a cardy but it looks horrible buttoned up.  Yep, this was a feel good exercise alright.

By the time it let out, my head was hurting, my ankle was killing me (it’d been getting progressively worse for a week) and to add to it all, it was so humid and disgusting that I was sweating by the time I’d gotten the train station.  I tried touching on with my Myki, but it wasn’t working.  I tried again and again.  Nothing.  I was holding people up.  It just wasn’t working.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I took so long I caught the eye of one of the wandering helpers, who managed to get it working.  Once I got into the station, I immediately knew something was wrong.  It was a madhouse, even by peak hour standards.  You couldn’t even move there were so many people.  I’m still not 100% sure but I think one of the trains was broken down or something so everyone decided to go to my platform and catch a different train.  Luckily it wasn’t my train, because they were packed in like sardines…moreso than usual.

When my train arrived I was forced to stand up, which wasn’t fun because my ankle was seriously giving me grief.  There wasn’t anything I could do about it but try to ignore it.  The train was packed and it was hot and unpleasant.  I grit my teeth and put up with it.  It was a relief to get off and jump onto the bus, even if that was packed as well.  At least I got a seat.

After limping home, I collapsed onto the couch, wanting to never move again.  Instead, I had a look at my ankle.  Definitely swollen.  So instead of relaxing like I so desperately wanted to, I got back up and hoped into the car and went and bought a brace for it.  I knew if I didn’t, I’d regret it.  I couldn’t avoid standing on it – it was part of my new job and I wasn’t going to be all “Sorry, can’t stand, my ankle hurts” – so at the very least I knew I had to give it some support.

Finally, I got home after an epically long day again.  I can’t remember the last time my days felt so packed and exhausting.  I, once again, ate like crap, and I feel bloated and gross.  Now that I’m back in my old stomping ground, I’m going to be able to plan my meals and stuff a bit better, and be home slightly earlier.  I think this will help a lot.  I’ll be able to find a routine again and hopefully I’ll be able to get a smaller uniform size sooner or later!

Hope your day was better than mine 🙂

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Three

So, today was my first day at my new job.  It was induction so nothing too scary.  I wasn’t really nervous at all.  I’ve found that happening a lot lately.  Things that should have me shaking in my boots don’t phase me at all any more.  Not sure whether it’s a sign of maturity or just me being more non-chelount.

That being said, I slept horribly last night.  I woke up what felt like continuously.  Very frustrating.  It was made worse by me knowing I needed sleep, and began a vicious cycle of stressing about not sleeping and therefore not being switched off enough to sleep.  Maybe subconsciously I was nervous?  I don’t know.

Anyway, the day started off pretty cruisy.  I didn’t start until 11.30, so I took my time getting ready.  I got on the bus at 9.30 and was in the city by 10.30.  It was as I was getting off the train I realized I’d gotten in an hour early instead of half an hour.  I’m still not sure how I managed that, because I checked half a dozen times prior to it that it started at 11.30.  Yet somehow, my brain automatically thought 11 when I was planning everything.  I decided I’d get a smoothie (I got a large but I don’t know why I did.  I always forget how much is in them.  I barely managed to get through half so it wound up being less than 200 calories in the end).  I wandered around for a bit but I hate the city and being in such a crowded place, so I quickly found a seat and waited it out.

The induction started okay.  I was one of two people who had worked in the industry previously, so most of what they went through was stuff that had already been drilled into me previously.  I guess that was lucky because the migraine I’d had on and off decided then was the perfect time to come back with a vengeance.  Luckily it was almost lunchtime by then.  I spent half the break in the toilet covering my eyes from the light and hoping nobody noticed how long the cubicle had been locked for.  I honestly would have sat there the whole break except I thought I’d probably better find some food.  The painkillers I’d taken had taken the edge off by then, so I headed to the closest place I could find.  Oportos.  Hmmm, not my first choice but it would do.  I ordered my all time favourite comfort food – hot chips – and took them back up to the classroom to eat, worried I was running out of time thanks to the guy taking ten minutes to get my order done. (Seriously, ten minutes for some fries!  It wasn’t even busy!  Are you freaking kidding me?).

I downed some more painkillers before the class started back, vowing I’d go to the doctors that night.  I don’t like having to take so many but it was either that or go home sick…and that just wasn’t an option on a first day.

I survived the rest of the day.  The migraine stayed at bay, though I could feel it trying to overpower the drugs.  I started to feel it again on the train home, but it wasn’t enough to concern me.  Once I started my walk home, I called the doctors who said they didn’t have any appointments tonight except for 10.40.  After the crappy night’s sleep last night there’s no way I was going to trek out at that time of night, so I made an appointment for tomorrow night instead.  I’m hoping it might clear up before then but it’s probably wishful thinking.

On the plus side, without going for my walk today, I clocked up over 7000 steps!  I usually average about 5000 including my walk so I was pretty happy about that.  Another plus was I officially start full time work as of today – as it was induction and the store I’ve been hired to work at isn’t opening until next month I wasn’t sure if there’d be a gap or not.  Turns out there isn’t!  Yay, time to be financially secure and independent again!

Anyway, I think that pretty much sums up my day.  I have a longer day tomorrow so I’m hoping I’m feeling better.  I feel like the doctor won’t have much else to say than “rest up” which isn’t going to happen right now.  Stupid body falling apart the second it’s called into action!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Two

So, today is my last day of unemployment.  You think I’d be nervous, but I’m not.  I’m not really feeling much of anything.  I guess it’ll hit me tomorrow.  This is hopefully the start of my next journey.  I just hope I found it as enjoyable (and educational) as my last one.

I’d been feeling pretty under the weather from the migraine that had carried on from the previous day.  It’s a weird one too.  I’ve had my fair share of them but this one isn’t normal.  I woke up at 1am with the top of my jaw and ears hurting just as much as my head.  I took more painkillers and went back to sleep.  Woke up and my ears were really sore again, though my headache and jawache were basically gone.  My headache came back about 9am, so I took more painkillers.  It’s been okay most of the day, though my ears are both really sore again now, as are my eyes.  It’s really annoying because I can’t afford to get sick, and I’m worried it’s the beginning of ear infections.  The last time I had an ear infection was during a trip across Australia when I was about 14.  It was the worst pain of my life.  I was screaming and sobbing while my parents were frantically trying to find a doctor still open at 8pm in a foreign city.  I can’t afford to go through that again, particularly when I’m about to start a new job.  I’m just hoping it’ll fix itself and painkillers will do their job until that happens.

I went for my walk about lunchtime.  I wasn’t going to waste my last day off, although as always, I was tempted.  I got home and napped in the afternoon, hoping resting would ease my incoming illness.  I don’t know if it helped.  It doesn’t feel like it did.  I ate dinner late, as I just wasn’t hungry.  I knew I couldn’t go without though, so I eventually made myself something healthy and forced it down.  Skipping meals isn’t a good idea for weight loss or for keeping healthy.

Tomorrow will be a big day, I can feel it.  Meeting a whole bunch of new people, in a new place, in the city which is always congested.  I don’t see it being a fun experience for me, but I know it has to be done.  At least I feel like once I get this out of the way, I’ll enjoy the job much more than the one I was doing (temporarily).  I hate being the newbie and feeling out of my depth, but I know it has to happen, whether it’s with this job or another one.  Everyone has to go through it before they become one of the team.  I just need to suck it up and try to learn things as quickly as possible.

I think I’m gonna head to bed now.  My ears are really starting to ache.  I hope they don’t get much worse.  Now is not the time, body!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-One

I skipped yesterday.  I’d like to say it was an accident but truthfully, it wasn’t.  I had plenty of time to do it, but I just didn’t want to sit there and write that I had a lazy day.  That I could have gotten my exercise in but didn’t.  That I fed myself excuse after excuse about why I shouldn’t go yet until – oops – it’s nighttime.  I know one day isn’t going to matter so much and I sound like I’m being really harsh on myself but I know if I’m not, that everything will just slip back into the way it was.  I can’t afford for that to happen.  Part of me wants it to…a rather large part some days…but I don’t want to be known as the ‘fat friend’ forever.  It sucks.  Only I have the power to change that, I know that, but some days it’s just so hard to find motivation and energy to keep going.

I think a lot of the problem is, my weight isn’t changing.  I mean, it isn’t going up so that’s good, but the whole point is I want it to go down.  It’s been 3 weeks and I’ve only lost a kilo.  I’m fairly certain I’ve lost centimetres from my stomach, but because I didn’t think to measure before this started, I’m constantly doubting it.  I think I’m just at that kind of crossroad that inevitably happens when I try to diet.  Each time before this, I’ve always thrown in the towel at this point.  I certainly am on the boarderline of it now.  My carefully planned meals are slowly sneaking back to unhealthy options, my exercise is once again a chore…it’s certainly not a great headspace to be in.  I’m not giving in though.  I’ve come this far – further than pretty much any of my other attempts – and I know this all has to be helping my body in some way.  If nothing else, it’s stopping me from binging on junk food and making it worse…at best, it’s making me fitter and healthier.

Anyway, yesterday, as I said, was a lazy day.  I caught up on people’s blogs for a few hours, sat in the sun, watched TV.  Found out at dinnertime that there was a second season of Finding Carter that I never knew about (one of the pitfalls of living in Australia.  Everything is delayed.  I thought Foxtel had began rectifying the issue but apparently not).  I tracked down the episodes and watched four or five of them before bed.  Fell asleep to Inside Out (such a fantastic movie.  Oh how I love anything Pixar!).

Woke up this morning feeling guilty as hell about yesterday and telling myself that no matter what happens, I’m going for my walk today.  I wasn’t going to let myself give up.  The first thing I did was check my weather app, which told me it was going to be humid by lunchtime and then a good chance of rain all afternoon.  Right, morning walk it is then!  I got up, watched a couple more episodes of FC, then headed out.  It was another one of those days where I hated every step.  One of those days where you just want it to end before it’s even started.  I guess I should have expected it…it was windy, overcast, I felt guilty for not going yesterday, plus my body was probably feeling the affects of that too.  I got home, only to find out my Apple Watch had only logged half the walk.  Still not sure why.  I didn’t do anything differently and it’s never done it before.  Very annoying though, as I love looking back at my records when I need motivation, and now today’s looks like I didn’t get my exercise in when I did.  *sigh* That’s technology for ya.

I finished watching the rest of FC once I got home, then had a nap.  Woke up with a splitting headache and neck pain (though the neck pain is basically constant these days).  I took some pain killers and ran a bath.  I’m feeling okay now, though I can tell the migraine is still there, just hidden away under the effects of the medication.  I really wish I wasn’t so prone to them.  I’ve had them regularly ever since I was a kid.  They got worse when my eyesight started getting weaker, slightly improved once I got glasses, and now they’re back to being at least once a week, sometimes more.  Plus on top of that is this near-constant neck pain.  Once I get back on my feet financially again, I’m going to have to book myself into the osteotherapist.  I used to go a year or two back and they did help a bit, though I was going mostly for my back and shoulder pain (I’ve also got scoliosis, though it hadn’t bothered me too much for awhile now).  If only the sessions didn’t cost a small fortune, I’d go regularly.

Now I’m sitting here, waiting for the storms to come.  No rain at all as yet (thanks a lot weather app!) but the skies are finally getting darker and I think I’ll see some lightning tonight.  I love storms.  I love the craziness of them, the noise, the flashes of light, the sleeting rain.  Ever since I was little I’d hang out for them.  I’m glad my dog is okay with them…one of the dogs I grew up with hated them and would bark continuously until it was over.  That kind of ruined the magic of them a little bit.

Hope y’all had a productive day!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Nineteen

Today was great!  Okay, the morning wasn’t.  I had my second shift and it wasn’t much better than yesterday’s.  It still felt like all I do is move things from one side of the store to the other.  Plus, the traffic on the way there was horrible.  At least I remembered to wear comfortable shoes, unlike yesterday.

Luckily, I finally got in contact with the guy handling my other job application (after a serious round of phone tag) and he told me that I could be starting as early as next week, depending how quickly they can get the paperwork sorted.  That certainly made the rest of my day a lot better!  I can’t wait to never go back to the place I worked today.  Like I’ve mentioned previously, I do feel kind of bad about putting them out and just up and leaving, but ultimately I have to do what feels right and I can tell you right now, that job doesn’t.

I got home to a beautiful day, not too hot, but lovely and sunny.  I caught up on some TV then decided to go for my walk.  It was nice to be outside in the fresh air (as it always is) but I still really struggle under the sun.  You’d think now it’s been nice weather for a few weeks my body would start adjusting from winter-mode, but it isn’t.  Still, my tan is coming along nicely (probably better than it was at the end of summer last year, thanks to my workaholic ways and at-home-hermiting) and I feel like even if the scales aren’t moving, that I’m losing certimetres from my waist.

When I got home I was a little bit naughty and had pizza for dinner.  I know, it’s not good but I decided to treat myself after an awful couple of days, and I still managed to stay under my calorie limit for the day.  Plus, I hit over 8000 steps today, a new personal best!  Back onto the diet tomorrow!

Hope everyone had a great day 🙂

-JD

Time to Change – Day Eighteen

Today was one of my worse days.  I woke up and felt very unmotivated.  Mostly, it was the thought of starting my new job today, one that I didn’t really want to go to.  I knew I should go for my walk before I left, but it didn’t happen.  I told myself I’d go afterwards.

I arrive at the new job ten minutes early.  They were flat out merchandising the place so I stood around awkwardly, being more or less ignored for fifteen minutes.  Then, when they remembered I was there, I was told to read a generic introduction booklet.  It didn’t get much better from there.  I was told to move stock around in an attempt to re-merchandise but having limited experience and no knowledge of the products, it was a slow, frustrating process.  I was shown how to do end of day, and it is world’s apart from what I’m used to.  People used to complain about the processes at my old work…now, I’d have given anything to have it back.  This was so slow and backward.  Nothing seemed logical, the computer program seemed to have way too many over-complicated steps and half the close was spent re-writing stuff that the computer already figured out.  I don’t know, I know I shouldn’t judge so early, but I’m dreading going back tomorrow.  The most frustrating part of the whole thing was I got a call from the other job I’m waiting to hear back from but couldn’t answer it, and by the time we finally left (45 minutes later than I was rostered for, mind you), they’d already gone home for the day so now I have to wait for them to call back tomorrow…and I’ll probably be working again.  Urgh.  I just hope after all this that I get some good news from them.  I can’t wait to get out of this job.  The only good thing about it is the customers, who were all lovely.  If that was 80% of my job like I thought it would be, then maybe it would be okay.

This basically sums up all my interactions with customers.

Anyway, after that shitty first shift with my feet killing me and my stress levels well and truly off the charts, I sunk into a hot bath the second I got home, downing half a (small) block of my favourite chocolate for dinner.  Not an ideal part of my diet plan but hey, if chocolate can bring people round from a dementor attack, it can definitely make me feel better about losing control of my life!  At least, that was my excuse, and I’m sticking with it.  On the plus side, even with the chocolate, I finished under my calorie limit for the day, and my weight hasn’t gone up…hasn’t gone down either which is annoying but better than up!


Unfortunately I didn’t get my exercise in today.  In the end, after leaving work much later than anticipated, getting stuck is traffic and having to get petrol on the way home (stupid petrol light!), it was dusk as I was pulling into my drive.  Ah well.  I’m sure all the merchandising I did today and am set to do tomorrow will partly make up for it.  Maybe.

Hopefully I’ll have a happier post tomorrow and some good news on the job front.  So frustrated I missed the call.  I hate having to wait so long to know the outcome, especially when I can’t wait to get out of this job!  I really hope something good finally comes my way.  I don’t know how much more bad news I can take.  Fingers crossed!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Sixteen

Today was one of my good days.  I felt a lot less gross and crampy than yesterday, and I got a bit more sleep than I’d been averaging over the last week (I resorted to sleeping tablets, though they were a different brand to what I’m used to and definitely not as potent.  Still, they did the job enough for me to not feel like a zombie).  As I said yesterday, I was willing to give myself a day off from exercise, so I skipped my morning walk.

I ate a healthy breakfast of weetbix and chia seeds with honey, which is fast becoming my favourite option for my first meal of the day as it is easier to prepare than eggs and healthier than toast.  By the time lunchtime rolled around, I was in one of those weird moods where I’m kind of hungry but not enough to eat.  This lasted well into the afternoon.  I nibbed on some BBQ Shapes but wasn’t really into it, and put them away pretty quickly.

Thankfully my appetite came back for dinner, and I made up the rest of my daily calories then.  I was feeling pretty good, the best I’d done in over 24 hours, and the weather outside was cooling down after another hot day as the sun was sinking.  My dog was carrying on, obviously upset that I hadn’t taken her for her exercise, so I decided that I wasn’t going to skip it today after all.

It’s funny, even now I don’t really feel guilty when I eat the wrong thing (okay, maybe slightly, but nothing I can’t easily overlook), but when I think about skipping exercise – even for a legitimate reason – I can’t bring myself to do it.  I wouldn’t say I enjoy it…not consciously, anyway.  I hate feeling sore and sweaty and out of breath.  I guess on a subconscious level, though, my body is enjoying the benefits of my new routine, and because of that, I feel really lazy and gross if I don’t make the effort and go.  I remember feeling the same way when I started a gym routine a few years back…I’d just forgotten about that feeling up until now.  It’s good that it’s happening, because if it wasn’t, I know for a fact I wouldn’t have made the effort tonight.  Even with the guilt, I was still on the fence about it.  What tipped me over was just how beautiful an evening it was.  Daylight savings had finally kicked in, so it was getting darker later, and the air was still warm from the day, without the sun to make it unbearable.  The sky was tinged with pink and the breeze was soft and welcoming.  I walked a little slower than usual just to enjoy it a bit longer (and also because walking on a full stomach wasn’t the greatest life choice) and got home right at the sun was disappearing completely.

Despite the pretty night, I think I’ll try to go back to my morning routine tomorrow.  Like I’ve mentioned previously, I think it’s best to get into the habit so when I start working full time again, it won’t be such an effort to go beforehand.  Plus, as safe as my area seems, there’s always a lingering doubt about walking around as it’s getting dark.  It’s a sad world when females have to think like that, even when there doesn’t appear to be any immediate danger.

Hope y’all had an awesome day too!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Fifteen

Today was another tough day.  I slept horribly (again, it seems to be becoming the norm…which isn’t totally uncommon), woke up hot and uncomfortable and it didn’t take long to work out it was that time of the month.

Urgh.

The first and second days are always pretty rough for me.  I get cramps, I’m grumpy, I’m perpetually tired (not helped by my shitty sleeping patterns of late) and I usually get pains elsewhere as well.  Now, as if this wasn’t bad enough, daylight savings kicked in at 3am.  While I love daylight savings and having the sun out for longer at night…I did not need to lose an hour in amongst all this.  Oh, and did I mention that I decided it was a fantastic idea to stay up til midnight last night?  For no reason?  Yeahhh.  My body clock refuses to let me sleep past 7am (it doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t need to get up for work any more), so I was up and moving at 8, thanks to daylight savings, but feeling like death.  Achingly tired and crampy and gross.

Today is going to be a skip-exercise day.

That’s what I initially planned, as I stumbled around my house in a sleep-deprived coma.  I jumped on the scales and saw something that shocked me back into reality – despite having a bad couple of days just 48 hours prior, I was back to where I was before that!  I was back on track!  How did that happen?  I’d put almost a kilo back on and now it was gone again.  I know hormones probably had a bit to play in it, and maybe I didn’t actually overeat as badly as I thought I’d done, but either way, the aches and pains seemed slightly more bearable.  Slightly.

I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.  I felt horrible.  When I get cramps, they aren’t just in my tummy, they radiate down my legs and into my back and just make me feel overall rundown and exhausted.  I knew it would be too hot to exercise later, and I also knew if I put it off until then it just wouldn’t happen.  So I made one of the toughest decisions of this journey so far – I got up off the oh-so-comfy couch, pulled on my shoes and walked.  My weight loss was more important than an hour of feeling sorry for myself.  The sun was warm (warmer than yesterday because I’d left later) but it was okay.  There was almost no wind, which was a nice change.

About halfway through the cramps came back with a vengeance.  It came in waves of pain, then nausea, then feeling faint.  There was nothing for it though, I was halfway and as far away from home as I could be.  I had to soldier on.  I knew I wasn’t going to die, so I just planted one foot in front of the other and imagined my soft, comfy couch that was waiting for me at the end of this torture.  I survived.  It was the toughest walk I’d been on by far, and realistically, giving myself a day off probably wouldn’t have been such a terrible idea, but I did it.  Another day I can successfully tick off.

I’ve spent most of the day dozing and reading.  It’s days like this I hate being a girl.  I’m just glad I didn’t have plans, because I don’t know if I’d have made it to them.  We’ll see how tomorrow goes.  If I’m feeling just as crappy, I probably won’t be exercising.  But we’ll wait and see 🙂

-JD