Mourning

So, as I’ve discussed in previous posts, I lost my job a few months back.  I’d been there for five years, and while it had it’s rough patches and downsides, for the most part I was happy there.  I’d met heaps of wonderful people (some who are now my closest friends), learnt a lot, found myself and honestly thought I’d be there for a long while to come.

The last year I’d spent there had been the best yet.  We had a great team, I was 50% of the management and the other manager was a close friend, we called the shots and everything was running as smoothly as can be expected.  I loved going to work every day.  About three months before the end, things started to go downhill.   The manager told me he’d found another job, which was devastating for me on a personal level as he was a lot of the reason work was so enjoyable.  It was also devastating for the whole team as he really was the glue that held us together.  After he left, things fell apart.  The new manager tried to change things that shouldn’t have been changed, I felt unheard, the part-timers got their shifts cut back, the roster was full of gaps and mistakes.  I dreaded going to work as I felt like I’d gone from co-store manager back to just one-of-the-team.  Alongside that, I was also copping it from my Area Manager, who told me brutally and in no uncertain terms that she didn’t believe I was ready to be Assistant Store Manager (she’d only been in charge of my store for about a month at that point, prior to her we’d had a different Area Manager who was really laid back and whom we barely saw).  I was furious.  Firstly because she’d been there for so little time so how would she even know?  And secondly because I’d been acting-ASM for nearing two years.  Her main issue was I wasn’t focused on sales coaching (I was very admin-focused at the time) and she believed that was what was required of an ASM.  It didn’t matter I’d done it previously, or that the old Area Manager never once had a problem with me doing admin, or that both the old AM and herself had looked me in the eye and told me the paperwork for my promotion was coming through.

As you can see, I was having a miserable time.  I applied for another job and hoped like hell I’d get it.  I didn’t hear back from them at all for almost two months.  Every single day I’d wake up and think about quitting.  I’d written out two different resignation letters, ready to hand in when I finally broke.  I guess there were a couple of reasons why I didn’t quit.  Looking back, I wish I had of.  The first one was that, despite being taken for granted, lied to, overlooked and basically treated like shit, I was comfortable.  I knew the team very well, I knew the systems backwards, I knew the products we sold, I knew where everything in the store was located, I knew the processes involved with everything.  It was easy.  That’s what it came down to.  Five years experience gave me a confidence in the place that I knew I wouldn’t have in another job.  The second was I couldn’t afford to be unemployed.  I was renting, in the midst of building a house, had bills to pay and a dog to feed.  If I still lived at my parents, it probably would have been a different story, but I was trying to be grown up about it.  Grown ups can’t just quit their job, even if it sucks.

The day started out like all the others.  I woke up, hated the thought of going into work, went in anyway.  Started doing my admin stuff, because that’s basically all I did.  I found comfort in it when I couldn’t in anything else there.  Out of the blue, I was told by the new manager that HR were here to talk to people about “stocktake results”.  I’d been on leave when stocktake was done, and I wasn’t even aware there were any issues.  I assumed that it must have just had a bad month or something and shrugged it off.  I kept going with my day, resenting every minute of it.  I remember texting my friend that morning saying that I should just hand in my resignation then and there.  I honestly felt like I was at breaking point.  I don’t even remember what exactly made me feel that way…I think it had just finally caught up with me.  Oh how I wish I’d actually handed in my resignation then.  Though I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, it was probably too late by then.

Anyway, for most of the morning I’d forgotten all about the HR thing.  I hadn’t seen them and I didn’t notice anyone leaving the store for extended periods of time (though it had been happening, I’d just assumed they’d gone on break or I’d just overlooked them).  One of the girls came back in shaken up, and it was only then I realized HR had been in the centre the whole time, quietly pulling people out of the store to speak with them.  That’s when I started freaking out.  I’d been through meetings with HR about six months prior and I knew it was bad news, especially because I had an overwhelming feeling it had something to do with me.  It wasn’t a huge leap to make – the new manager had only been there a couple of months, and the old manager wasn’t there any more, and I was the acting ASM.  I messaged the old manager and he said not to worry, it can’t be anything too bad as HR didn’t give notice about the meetings like they were supposed to.  He has a way of calming people (especially me) down, and I did feel a little better.

I remember the next part clear as day too.  I was on the floor, chatting to one of my closest workmates who’d just randomly cracked the screen on her phone, out of the blue.  She was really upset about it and we were trying to work out how it happened when the new manager interrupted and told me to go to my HR meeting.  I was a little nervous but I kept telling myself it was nothing.  I’d have known about it if something bad was happening, surely.

I headed into the meeting.  There was a guy I’d never seen before on one side of the table and a girl from my previous HR meetings on the other.  She was lovely; he was not.  The first thing he asked was if I was okay with the meeting being recorded.  The previous meetings I’d had with HR hadn’t been recorded…what was going on? The meeting turned out to be one of the single most traumatic experiences of my life.  He fired question after question at me, trying to catch me off guard, accusing me of lying, demanding things of me that my brain couldn’t keep up with.  I don’t do well in situations where I don’t have time to think.  I’m an introvert.  I like to think things through before I speak, otherwise who knows what will come out of my mouth?  The meeting seemed to never end.  He had so many questions, and the more he had, the more incriminating my answers became.  Some of the questions were so absurd or random that all I could do was gape at him.  He was a terrifying presence.  He enjoyed making me squirm, I could see it in his eyes.  After an hour and a half, he then finished the interview by asking if I’d felt intimidated by him.  What was I going to say?  If you’re intimidated by someone, you aren’t going to admit it to them.  Especially someone who would get enjoyment out of it.  Then the HR lady (who’d been quite almost the whole time) told me I had another meeting the following morning which “may result in suspension or termination”.  I knew what that meant.  We’d previously gone through it with another employee and my manager had to give him that line (word-for-word) over the phone.  I knew I wasn’t going back to work.  At the very end, the guy told me he’d be forwarding everything onto the police.  Well, if I wasn’t already shaking (and I was), that really got me.

I raced out of there and called my old manager, as he was just as involved in everything as I was.  He tried to calm me down but it wasn’t going to happen, not this time.  He hadn’t been there, sitting opposite a guy who spat questions at you, who wanted to make you upset.  As I couldn’t be consoled over the phone, he agreed to meet up at our other friend C’s house.  We talked for a couple of hours about everything, and although I was still reeling and shaken up, I felt a little better knowing I wasn’t alone in this, and that they thought I’d been treated poorly in the interview as well.

The next day came and I headed into the second meeting, with C coming as my witness.  I was terrified.  I could barely hold back the tears.  How could this be happening?  After five years of loyal service and hard work, were they were really going to give me the boot?  We wound up going to the wrong building and having to race down to the proper one, which didn’t help my frazzled nerves.  We were ushered into a tiny room where my area manager (the one who’d told me I wasn’t good enough to be ASM) and the HR girl from the previous day were sitting.  I was absolutely shitting myself – I didn’t realize my area manager was going to be there.  Looking back I guess I probably should have, and I was grateful it wasn’t the asshole guy from yesterday, but this wasn’t much better.  I actually went okay though, considering.  The area manager read off a piece of paper, she asked a few questions, talked about the findings and outcomes from the day before, they took a break, came back in and told me I was terminated effective immediately.  I handed in my keys and left.  It was all over within half an hour.  Considering the horrors of the previous meeting, this was actually quite good.

I was a mess for about a week afterwards.  I couldn’t believe I’d been fired.  I had so many emotions running through me.  Firstly, I was embarrassed.  I knew how everyone was there – I’d be hot gossip for sure.  Everyone would be talking.  I hated knowing that people would see me as a bad person…I hated knowing I was forever going to be the “manager that got fired”.  I was ashamed.  I didn’t like being caught out for something dumb I’d done a year before.  I didn’t like that I no longer had a way to support myself.  I was hurt.  So many people I’d trusted and thought were my friends had caused this to happen.  They’d ratted me out for no reason other than self-gratification or because they were bored.  They had no need to do it, but they did it anyway.  I was lost.  My whole world for the past five years had been that job.  I’d put in long hours, I’d do extra work, I’d treated staff like family, I’d spent my own money on things to help the store.  Now all that was gone, just like that.  I’d never use the systems I’d come to know so well again, I’d never get to say goodbye to the people I’d gotten to know so well over the years.  I’d sit and cry for hours.  What if I couldn’t get another job?  Who’d want to hire someone like me?

After about a week, my despair turned to anger.  I was furious that people had done this to me.  How could they?  Granted, sometimes I’m not the easiest person to be around, but they were supposed to be my friends.  I’d never done anything to them.  Nothing intentional anyway.  I was angry at the company.  Okay, I’d fucked up, but did they need to fire me over it?  After all the loyalty and long hours?  Where was my recognition for all that?  I felt like the last five years had been a giant waste of time.  I’d worked my ass off and this was all the thanks I got?  I was angry that my old manager had gotten out of it all scott-free.  Even as I was feeling it, I knew it wasn’t fair.  He was one of my closest friends and part of me was happy he’d quit before this all went down, but another part hated him for it.  He was just as responsible for it happening as I was, but he’s got a great job now and I’ve got nothing.  I had to go through that tortuous interview alone.  They couldn’t point the finger at him so I copped it twice as bad.  I guess mostly though I was angry at myself.  I’d had a moment of weakness, and instead of stopping myself, I let it happen.  I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway.  Coupled with that, I was angry at the people around me who knew what I was doing but didn’t stop me.  It was fine for them to tell me now that it was dumb, but they certainly weren’t saying that at the time.

After the anger passed, I just felt hopeless.  By this stage I’d been knocked back for the job I’d applied for a couple of months prior (you can read about that here), as well as a slew of other jobs.  I felt like that’s all I did all day every day.  Search for jobs, change my cover letter, apply for it, wait to hear.  When I heard, I’d go to the interview, and inevitably get knocked back within the week.  This happened time and time again.  It was made worse by the fact that the asshole interview guy had said he was going to the police with everything, and I had no idea if he was just being a dick or whether he was actually going to.  I hadn’t heard from the police at all, but I wasn’t sure what that meant.  A lot of jobs these days run background checks and I didn’t know what would come up on mine.

After three long months, I finally landed a casual job, and then within a week, a better, full time job.  I was relieved as I’d had to rely on my parents again up until then, which I hated.  I hadn’t had to do that for years.  I was still nervous though, as although I’d accepted my contract, they still hadn’t gotten the results back from my background check, and the contract would be voided if anything was found.  My old manager said that the police would have contacted me months ago if they’d been involved but I still wasn’t confident about it.  I went to my induction, each day expecting to be pulled out and told to go home.  It was stressful and it sucked because all I really wanted to do was celebrate my newfound employment but I couldn’t.

I finally knew I was in the clear when I tried to login to the background check website a week later and couldn’t.  That must mean it’s done and came back clear.  Phew!  The asshole interviewer really was just a sadistic bastard.  You’d think after all that I’d be celebrating my new job, but nothing in my life is ever that simple.  I was told I was going to be training two stores down from my old work.  I was terrified.  All it would take was one person from there saying something to someone and it was all over.  I didn’t know what had been said about me, or who knew what happened, or who was on my side.  All weekend I was stressing out, thinking that now that I’d finally landed a job, I was going to lose it and have to start all over again.  I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with that.

On the morning of my first shift back at my old shopping centre, I finally decided to stop worrying.  I’d come this far – I’d landed the job, passed the background check and reference checks, survived induction.  I’ll be damned if I’m going to keep stressing about losing the job again.  I also refused to let the people who dragged me down at my old job, drag me down at my new one.  It was out of my hands where I was told to train at and out of my hands what was said, but it was completely in my hands as to whether I let them win or not.  If I was going to stress the whole time, and avoid them, and let them ruin my time there, that was letting them win.  I’d been working in that centre a hell of a lot longer than them and they had no right to make me think I wasn’t welcome there.

I’ve been at the centre over a week now and it’s been fantastic.  I’ve run into one of the people I don’t like (which was awkward), but I’ve also caught up with quite a few of the people I do and they’re supportive and it was great to see them again.  The people I don’t like haven’t said a word to me and are unlikely to say something to anyone else, so my fears were unfounded.  I feel like I’m back at home again in the centre.

That being said, I still really miss parts of my old job.  I still have dreams where I’m working there, and wake up sad.  I miss the old team and the way we used to get on so well.  I miss being confident in my role.  It’s tough being the new kid again when at my old job, I was the person everyone would run to with their random, difficult questions.  I miss doing admin and rosters.  I miss feeling like I belonged there.  I know with time I’ll get that feeling back with my new job, but right now I just feel out of place – partly because I’m training at a store I’m not based at, partly because it’s a different company with different systems and policies.

It wasn’t until I read an article that I realized this was normal.  People do mourn for their jobs.  It seems like a weird thing, particularly when you hated it towards the end anyway, but it’s legitimately a thing and it’s exactly what I’m going through.  The article said even when you get a new job, the grieving doesn’t stop, and it’s true.  I guess it’s like anything really…you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.  I took for granted my job security, my knowledge-base, my passion for the job.  When it was pulled out from under me so abruptly, I didn’t know what to do.  I think if I had of quit and had two weeks lead up to the end, it might have been different.  I could have mentally prepared myself.  Instead, just like that, it was gone.  I didn’t know waking up that morning, it would be my last shift.  I didn’t get that luxury.

I guess the most important part in all this is to learn from it.  It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been somewhere, or how hard you work, or how loved you are, companies don’t show mercy for mistakes.  If it’s big enough, you’re out of there.  It doesn’t matter if you didn’t do it intentionally or if you didn’t benefit directly from it or if you were trying to do the right thing…if they don’t agree, you’re gone.  I’ve also learnt how tough job hunting is.  Oh sure, I’d heard about it enough, but until you go through it and get knock back after knock back (even for jobs that are basically identical to what you’ve been doing previously) it’s really hard to deal with.  You have to have a thick skin or you’ll sink into depression, or give up and go on benefits and never get off.  I have a new appreciation for how easy that would be.  Luckily I never had to go that far thanks to my family’s support.  Even on my low days, even on the sleep deprived days, I’ll never take having a job and an income for granted again.

As for moving on, I’m trying.  It’s tough having to walk past my old work five times a week, knowing that I used to spend so much of my time there and now I no longer do.  Everything is so familiar there, it’s like looking into my home.  I could tell you stories about every inch of that place.  They still have my hand-created posters up on the walls.  So much of myself is still locked in there and it hurts to know I was evicted.  That being said, I feel myself getting stronger each day.  I have my good days and my bad ones, but I think it’s really helping that I’m enjoying my new job.  Once I start feeling comfortable in it, I think that’s when the mourning will truely end.  Until then, I’ve always got my wonderful memories and amazing friends to be thankful for.  I now know it wasn’t a waste of time…if I hadn’t of worked there, my life wouldn’t be as rich and amazing as it is now.

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-JD

Time to Change – Day Thirty-One

Sorry I’ve been a bit slack in updating this.  It’s a lot harder to maintain a daily blog after a full work day and a Foxtel box filling fast with TV shows.  I’ve had an okay couple of days.  It’s my first full week back at work that doesn’t involve sitting in a classroom.  I feel like the store doesn’t know how to treat me.  It’s not their fault, I was always going to be in a different league to the normal newbies.  They want to treat me the same but I get bored and zone out.  I put my own contract through almost without help today (three days into the job) and I know they were all really nervous I’d mess up.  I did okay though – no major issues from what I could see.  The only problem with independence is that they then assume I can do everything and while I’m advanced, I’m not that far ahead, purely because I just haven’t shadowed people enough to witness them doing certain things.  So then it’s this awkward “ready but not ready” phase.  I want to serve customers alone, I hate following people and being treated like I don’t know anything…but I also hate it when they try to give me something to do and I have to admit I don’t know.  I’m sure it makes them think I’m not ready and I should be shadowing.  Urgh.  Who’d have thought having experience could make things so complicated?

Speaking of experience, my old workmates have finally caught on that I’m back in the centre again.  I accidentally crossed paths with my old manager as I was buying breakfast, and she obviously told the ASM, and the two of them kept walking past all morning.  Seriously, grow up.  Particularly the ASM, as I worked exactly half a shift with her and so doesn’t know me at all.  From what I’ve heard, almost the whole store hates her, and she can think what she wants about me and my actions, but at least I was well-liked when I was there.  I know it shouldn’t bother me that they’re being so immature, but it kind of does.  A little.  I expected it, of course, but I still don’t like it.  I’m trying to move on with my life and they’re there, dragging me back into the drama.  I’m not expecting them to be happy for me, but I also didn’t expect to have to put up with this rubbish.  I just hope they get over it quickly.  I feel like I’m in a zoo or something.

I’ve been eating…okay.  Better than last week but still not great.  I’ve been having banana bread for breakfast (not great), lite apple crumble yoghurt from my favourite place in the centre for lunch (not too bad)…but then by dinner I fall apart.  It’s my fault, I was supposed to have a gameplan lined up but it hasn’t happened.  I’m going to do it properly from next week, after I’ve gone to the shops and collected food to take to work.  I need to eat a better breakfast, that much I know.  I love banana bread but I know it’s really sugary and not at all as healthy as the name suggests.  I also need to go back to healthy dinners.  Tonight I had fish, but last night I had Maccas…not great.  It’s tough being back in my old stomping ground in some respects, because it’s so easy to slip back into old habits, such as take away on the way home.  I’m going to really try not to let that happen again.  My self-control is definitely getting stronger, but it’s still not great.  I think planning meals out will help me stay on track and not get lazy or let my cravings get the better of me.

Although my weight hasn’t changed dramatically on the scales, I definitely feel like I’ve lost weight around my tummy.  It looks smaller in the mirror.  I’m grateful I can see some changes, because I’m a month in and feeling very deflated that my weight isn’t dropping.  I know I’ve had a rough couple of weeks with my diet but I didn’t think it was that bad, save for a few meals scattered throughout.

I haven’t been going on my walks.  My foot isn’t getting any better and I don’t know what to do about it.  Wearing a brace doesn’t seem to help, wearing supportive shoes isn’t helping, resting it doesn’t change anything and exercise makes it worse.  I don’t know whether to just ignore the pain and go out anyway (and risk making it worse), or continue avoiding exercise and risk gaining weight.  Part of me wants to go out and exercise (especially for the dog’s sake) but I’m terrified of doing more damage as I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t stand.  I can’t risk anything that will affect my job.  It’s just so annoying it isn’t getting any better!

It was payday today, my first one at my new job.  I’m super happy as it looks like my hourly rate is higher than my old job – I only worked for two-thirds of a payrun and my pay was only slightly lower than a full cycle at my previous work.  So good!  I need all the extra money I can get as I’m building a house at the moment and I know little things are going to crop up as it happens.  Super excited for it to be done though, I hate renting.  Such a waste of money and you don’t have the freedom to do what you want either.  Unfortunately the land settlement keeps getting pushed further and further back so who knows when the construction will actually start.

I’ve got three days left of the week and I’m already hanging for Saturday so I can nap.  I feel like it doesn’t matter how much I sleep, it’s never enough.  I don’t know why I feel so drained…the job isn’t hard or anything majorly different to what I’ve done for what feels like forever, but I’m more tired every evening than I can remember being in a long time.  I guess it’s just a big adjustment coming from three months of relaxation and unemployment…and it’s stressful being in a new environment surrounded by people and systems you don’t know very well.  I’m sure after a few weeks I’ll get used to everything and maybe I won’t feel so wrecked.  Until then, I’m going to savour my weekends and catch as many z’s as a I can.

-JD

“Tell Us About Your Most Disappointing Job Interview.”

After going through at least 15 in the past few months with basically all of them leading to a “sorry you’ve been unsuccessful” call, this prompt is one that hits close to home right now.

The most disappointing one was definitely my first one, but not just because it was my first knock-back in five years.  I really wanted the job.  Like really wanted it.  I was currently still employed at my previous work, but hating every minute of it.  I wanted to get out of there.  I had friends working at the place I was interviewing for.  The pay was good, it was supposed to be a lot of fun, the uniform was better.  I had ample experience for the position.

I walked in confident.  Maybe too confident, I don’t know.  They’d asked me to prepare some stuff prior to the meeting, and I’d done that to as high a standard as I could manage, and presented it in the nicest way I could think of.  They were impressed with it, that much I could see.  They were really nice, I felt like the interview went really well.

Towards the end, I found out I’d been interviewing for a different store than I’d applied for.  One much further away.  I didn’t say anything.  I desperately needed to get out of my current employment and I really wanted to work for these guys.  I’d just make it work.  It wouldn’t be ideal but I’d do it and arrange a transfer later on.

I left thinking I’d done really well.  I thought I was as good as hired.  My experience speaks for itself, I thought, and the interview went smoothly.

A week ticked by.  I was starting to worry but it had taken literally months to hear from them after I applied, so I didn’t let myself stress too much.  I shot them an email asking what was happening, and got one back the next day saying they were still sorting things out.  It’s fine, they’ll call, don’t worry, I told myself.  So I kept waiting.  The next week, I got a call.  Freaking finally! I thought.

“Sorry, we were really impressed by your preparation and everything but we don’t know if you’d be right for the store.  We’ll keep your details on file though.”

I couldn’t have been more floored if aliens had dropped out of the sky right that moment.  What?!  How did this happen?!  I was so upset and disappointed.  I’d really wanted it and I thought I’d done well in the interview.  I had the perfect credentials for the job.  How could they say no?

I’d learnt a valuable lesson from it: don’t get your hopes up for things completely out of your control.  After I lost my job shortly after, this lesson would come into practice again and again.  I never let myself get that disappointed again.  Luckily.  If I did, I would have been a mess by the time someone finally offered me something.

Looking back, I think I didn’t get it because I was so rusty at interviews.  I took their niceness for me doing well, instead of politeness.  I probably said a bunch of thing wrong.  I wore the wrong thing.  I probably came off as desperate.  I’m not sure.  I just know that by the time I got to the interview where I was offered a job, I felt like I was very different.  I carried myself differently, answered the questions differently, took my time, dressed much more corporate.  I also understood that for every job that was advertised, roughly 19 other people were going for the same role too.  I didn’t know that going into the first interview.  I knew they’d had a few applicants, sure, but not that many.  It’s certainly a sobering fact to learn.  It doesn’t matter how good you are, there are 20 other people who potentially have more experience than you.  It’s a rough world right now.

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Seven

Today was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.  I know, it’s basically the opposite of what I predicted yesterday.  It was my first actual not-induction-or-computer-based-training day, at a place I didn’t think I ever wanted to go back to after how I was dismissed from my last job there.

I left the house early, expecting school traffic like there almost always is.  I guess I left early enough to miss it, because I got a really smooth run.  Usually that would be fine but I arrived half an hour early and I didn’t want to hang around near my old work.  I also didn’t want to seem too eager at my new job…half an hour is overkill in anyone’s books.  So I just sat in my car until it was time to go in.  I was pretty nervous – more nervous than I was before my interview, my first day at induction and waiting to get my needle – as I didn’t know what it would be like if I came face-to-face with some of my ex-colleagues.  Plus, I was also a little worried about having to meet so many new people all at once…it’s pretty much an introvert’s nightmare.

As I headed in, I gave myself a strong talking to.  I wasn’t going to let bitches from my past bring me down.  Instead of going the long way and avoiding the old store like I was tempted to do, I steeled myself and walked straight past.  I didn’t see anyone, so for the moment it was all good.  I headed into my new store and into a room full of people, most of whom didn’t know I was coming.  After doing a round of introductions, I was already feeling a lot better.  Everyone seemed really nice and the manager was cool.  We discussed my telco history and what I’d been up to in induction.  Then I buddied up with one of the guys and the day had officially started.

It went really well.  I basically bounced between staff (and there were a lot on!) and watched what they were doing.  Honestly, I would have preferred to be putting it through myself, but even watching I began to notice patterns and similarities to the programs I used in my last job.  Everyone was so friendly and were all eager for a chat and to see what they could help me with.  By mid-afternoon the manager checked in again and I told him that I feel very comfortable already and I could probably start processing stuff.  He was pretty happy to let me do my own thing.  I’m so glad I’ve landed in a store with a manager like that.  I was dreading getting someone who wanted to stay by the book or who believed trainees shouldn’t serve customers.  I made it clear from the start I wasn’t your regular run-of-the-mill newbie, but I still wasn’t sure how it would go.

The best parts of the day were when the delivery guys and phone reps came into store and their faces lit up when they saw me.  I’d been in that shopping centre for a long, long time and I’d gotten to know these people well, along with all the security guards.  They seemed like they’d genuinely missed seeing me, and I know I was happy to see their faces again.  I laughed every time each one first saw me, as a look of confusion crossed them every time, like “wait, did I walk into the right store?”.  I didn’t get to see my favourite delivery guy, though I’m sure in the month I’m working in the centre, I’ll cross paths with him.  I was always a little sad about how abruptly my employment ended at my old job, because it meant I didn’t get to say any goodbyes to these guys.  I know it probably sounds weird, but after seeing them multiple times a week for years, we got to know each other fairly well.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say we were friends or anything, but we certainly had rapport and inside jokes.

Once 5 o’clock hit, I headed home.  I intentionally walked past my old work with my uniform and lanyard on.  I didn’t look in, but I wasn’t going to hide or sneak past either.  If they saw, they saw.  I’m not letting horrible people from my past control my life now.  If they want to bitch or gossip or whatever, it doesn’t make any difference to me.  They aren’t part of my life any more and karma is fast on it’s way, I’m sure.

I was feeling great when I got home, and decided to go for my walk.  I’d gotten home a lot earlier now I was driving instead of catching public transport, and the weather wasn’t humid (thankfully!) so I headed out.  I got just before halfway through my usual walk when I had to turn around and head home.  My ankle (which has been sore for over a week) was getting worse.  I could practically feel it swelling up.  I should have worn my brace but it’s quite chunky and hard to fit into shoes.  I hobbled home, really annoyed that for the first time in awhile I actually wanted to exercise, and now I was cutting it short.  I iced it and put my brace back on and it’s feeling a little better again.  I was planning on exercising both days this weekend and I still want to, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.  I can’t afford to hurt it any more, as my new job requires me to be on my feet all day.  Why does my body fall apart when I need to it stay together the most?

Tomorrow I’m going to get my nails redone (I’m thinking purple this time) and then I’m catching up with some friends I haven’t seen in way too long.  Should be a good day!  I can’t wait until next week to get back to work.  I haven’t felt this motivated for a very long time.  I think my luck is finally starting to change.  My ears have even stopped hurting almost completely – today is the first day I haven’t had to take painkillers.  Such a relief!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Nineteen

Today was great!  Okay, the morning wasn’t.  I had my second shift and it wasn’t much better than yesterday’s.  It still felt like all I do is move things from one side of the store to the other.  Plus, the traffic on the way there was horrible.  At least I remembered to wear comfortable shoes, unlike yesterday.

Luckily, I finally got in contact with the guy handling my other job application (after a serious round of phone tag) and he told me that I could be starting as early as next week, depending how quickly they can get the paperwork sorted.  That certainly made the rest of my day a lot better!  I can’t wait to never go back to the place I worked today.  Like I’ve mentioned previously, I do feel kind of bad about putting them out and just up and leaving, but ultimately I have to do what feels right and I can tell you right now, that job doesn’t.

I got home to a beautiful day, not too hot, but lovely and sunny.  I caught up on some TV then decided to go for my walk.  It was nice to be outside in the fresh air (as it always is) but I still really struggle under the sun.  You’d think now it’s been nice weather for a few weeks my body would start adjusting from winter-mode, but it isn’t.  Still, my tan is coming along nicely (probably better than it was at the end of summer last year, thanks to my workaholic ways and at-home-hermiting) and I feel like even if the scales aren’t moving, that I’m losing certimetres from my waist.

When I got home I was a little bit naughty and had pizza for dinner.  I know, it’s not good but I decided to treat myself after an awful couple of days, and I still managed to stay under my calorie limit for the day.  Plus, I hit over 8000 steps today, a new personal best!  Back onto the diet tomorrow!

Hope everyone had a great day 🙂

-JD

Time to Change – Day Eighteen

Today was one of my worse days.  I woke up and felt very unmotivated.  Mostly, it was the thought of starting my new job today, one that I didn’t really want to go to.  I knew I should go for my walk before I left, but it didn’t happen.  I told myself I’d go afterwards.

I arrive at the new job ten minutes early.  They were flat out merchandising the place so I stood around awkwardly, being more or less ignored for fifteen minutes.  Then, when they remembered I was there, I was told to read a generic introduction booklet.  It didn’t get much better from there.  I was told to move stock around in an attempt to re-merchandise but having limited experience and no knowledge of the products, it was a slow, frustrating process.  I was shown how to do end of day, and it is world’s apart from what I’m used to.  People used to complain about the processes at my old work…now, I’d have given anything to have it back.  This was so slow and backward.  Nothing seemed logical, the computer program seemed to have way too many over-complicated steps and half the close was spent re-writing stuff that the computer already figured out.  I don’t know, I know I shouldn’t judge so early, but I’m dreading going back tomorrow.  The most frustrating part of the whole thing was I got a call from the other job I’m waiting to hear back from but couldn’t answer it, and by the time we finally left (45 minutes later than I was rostered for, mind you), they’d already gone home for the day so now I have to wait for them to call back tomorrow…and I’ll probably be working again.  Urgh.  I just hope after all this that I get some good news from them.  I can’t wait to get out of this job.  The only good thing about it is the customers, who were all lovely.  If that was 80% of my job like I thought it would be, then maybe it would be okay.

This basically sums up all my interactions with customers.

Anyway, after that shitty first shift with my feet killing me and my stress levels well and truly off the charts, I sunk into a hot bath the second I got home, downing half a (small) block of my favourite chocolate for dinner.  Not an ideal part of my diet plan but hey, if chocolate can bring people round from a dementor attack, it can definitely make me feel better about losing control of my life!  At least, that was my excuse, and I’m sticking with it.  On the plus side, even with the chocolate, I finished under my calorie limit for the day, and my weight hasn’t gone up…hasn’t gone down either which is annoying but better than up!


Unfortunately I didn’t get my exercise in today.  In the end, after leaving work much later than anticipated, getting stuck is traffic and having to get petrol on the way home (stupid petrol light!), it was dusk as I was pulling into my drive.  Ah well.  I’m sure all the merchandising I did today and am set to do tomorrow will partly make up for it.  Maybe.

Hopefully I’ll have a happier post tomorrow and some good news on the job front.  So frustrated I missed the call.  I hate having to wait so long to know the outcome, especially when I can’t wait to get out of this job!  I really hope something good finally comes my way.  I don’t know how much more bad news I can take.  Fingers crossed!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Seventeen

Today wound up being another good day.  It didn’t start out so optimistic though.  It was already 20 degrees and rising at 8am…yuck.  I mean, I guess I’d take it over the depths of winter but I certainly wasn’t in any mood for exercising like I’d planned.  As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a morning person at the best of times.  The thought of going for my walk with the temperature on the rise so early was too much.  I put on a couple of Netflix docos, ate my weetbix and procrastinated going clothes shopping instead.  I guess that was probably the real reason I wasn’t in a good headspace.  Like I talked about here, clothes shopping as an overweight person is extremely stressful and unappealing.  I had to do it though because I start my new job tomorrow, and they told me I had to have a black button up shirt…which I don’t have.  Button up shirts with E-cup boobs is never advisable.  I suspect I’ll be re-doing the buttons up continuously, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, by the time I convinced myself to switch off Netflix (it took awhile) and go to the shops, it was the middle of the day and freaking hot.  I was in the lightest, summer-iest dress I owned and I was boiling by the time I crossed the carpark.  I know in a couple of months I’ll be looking back on this and laughing, but coming out of  a cold winter, my body is really struggling to deal with the sudden onset of sunshine.

When I shop, I have a simple goal in mind: walk into as few shops as possible, try on as few items as possible, leave as quickly as possible.  I hate shopping.  I hate shopping centres and getting stuck behind giant groups of people walking so slowly they might as well just stop.  I hate trying to find stores.  I hate trying to find a carpark.  The whole thing is just so unappealing.  I will never be one to go to a place like that just for fun.  True to form, I raced into Target, looked at all the pretty dresses that weren’t designed for fat people, dug around until I found a black shirt, raced into the changeroom, decided it wasn’t great but for $8 it will do, bought it, hit up the grocery store, ticked off my 8 items on my shopping list then straight back to the car and out of there.  On the plus side, it clocked up 2000 steps so that made it almost worth it.

The rest of the day was spent actively avoiding the heat (not helped by the fact that my aircon doesn’t work).  I napped, caught up on other people’s blogs, played the Sims and watched more Netflix.  How did Australia ever get by without it?

Up until about 6pm, I was thinking my exercise wasn’t going to happen today.  It was still humid and I wasn’t feeling it at all.  Then suddenly, the cool change crept in.  Nothing beats the cool change after days of hot weather.  That was enough motivation for me to go outside and tick another day off.  It was another beautiful night.  It was overcast but still warm, and there was a faint smell of rain in the air.  If only it would actually eventuate…

As I mentioned earlier, I start my new job tomorrow.  I feel very weird about it.  I feel like I’m lying to them knowing I will probably be taking another job in the very near future.  I know it happens and it’s to be expected when I originally applied for a full time role there and all they could offer me was casual, but I still feel like I’m messing them around.  There’s nothing I can do about it though…I can’t risk telling them about it until I get a definite yes, in case I don’t get the other job.  It’s taken me so long to get anything at all.  At least for my first couple of weeks they’re only really short shifts, so I’m not putting anyone out too much I suppose.  I know I should be feeling excited, but I honestly don’t think I’ll be working there in a few weeks, and even if for some reason the other job falls through, this job isn’t something I ever envisioned for myself, nor is it something I’m passionate about.  It’s literally just a job and at 25, I feel very frustrated about that.  I feel like everything is out of my control and I don’t like it at all.  I know I just have to wait and see how everything pans out but God I’m sick of waiting.  I feel like that’s all my life as been for the past three months.  Waiting waiting waiting.

I also found out today my grandmother has uterine (?) cancer.  She’s been feeling off for a couple of weeks but she got a confirmed diagnosis today.  Just another crappy event in this extremely shitty year.  Mum had cancer about six months ago (luckily they could just cut it out and that was the end of it), and now her mum has it.  The worst part is, she’s got dementia (at least, the early stages of it) and she’s probably going to forget she’s even going through all this.  It’d be easier for her if my grandpa was still around because he was always there to remind her of what’s going on, but unfortunately he passed away last year.  It also doesn’t help she lives about an hour and a half away from the rest of her family.  It’s going to be tough on my mum and uncle, who will alternate driving down there and staying there on and off until this is over.  They’re hoping a hysterectomy will get it all…I hope so.  I honestly don’t know how she’ll cope if it’s anything more than that.  I don’t know how the family will cope in general.

Urgh.  2015 just needs to fuck off already.  I’m so over being dealt blow after blow.  The car accident on my birthday was definitely a bad omen or something.  I just want things to be easy again.

-JD

Time to Change – Day Nine

Today wasn’t great.  It wasn’t as bad as yesterday though.  I slept horribly last night, I’m not sure why.  I was just restless and woke up heaps of times and struggled to get back to sleep.  Due to this, I was really tired all morning and felt very unmotivated.  I was hungry but couldn’t be bothered eating.  In the end, though, I gave myself a talking to and decided that – sleep or no sleep – I was going to get through today, just like I did yesterday.

I forced myself to eat a banana for breakfast, then went out on errands that I really didn’t want to go on, and that I’d been avoiding for awhile.  I got lost on the way there (completely normal for me) and wound up doing three separate U-turns. Needless to say, I was pretty frustrated and it wasn’t a good morning.  I got home and all I wanted to do was sleep, but once again, my body was like “hahaha no”.  I once again found a bunch of excuses as to why I wasn’t going to exercise today, and once again, I refused to let myself give up.  The sky was overcast but the temperature was nice and it wasn’t too windy (which is a small miracle where I live, because it’s almost always windy).  I couldn’t bail on my walk today with the conditions so perfect for once.  So I dragged my weary body off the couch and out the door.

Isn’t it funny how exercise should make you tired, but actually does the opposite?  By the time the walk was over, I was wide awake.  I guess the fresh air did me some good.  I felt pretty good, even towards the end, where I tend to slow down and convince my feet to keep going.  I think it helped it was overcast – I didn’t feel overheated and gross.

I got some good news later in the afternoon – after about 15 different interviews and a month and a half of frantically looking, I finally got offered a job!  Not one I’d ideally have chosen, and only on a casual basis, but after so many rejections it’s a step in the right direction.

I kept up my healthy eating for dinner, and I may even try a 7-minute workout later tonight if my energy levels don’t crap out on me (which there is a risk of happening).  I don’t know why I struggled so much with healthy eating before.  Granted, it takes some effort and planning, but it’s not difficult.  Other than fruit and a couple of naughty little after-dinner treats, I’ve pretty much cut out sugar.  I’m only drinking water and milk (six months ago, I’d drink diet coke with most meals).  I’ve completely cut out take away (six months ago I’d have it 3-4 times a week).  I think now I’m rejoining the work force I may find it all a little bit harder, but I think it will be okay.  I just have to be extra meticulous at planning ahead and I can’t let myself get lazy.  I think I can do it!

-JD

“Sorry You’ve Been Unsuccessful”

I’ve heard that line what feels like countless times over the past month – both verbally or in a generic rejection email.

I lost my job recently, one that I’d held for the past five years.  It happened quite suddenly, although I was planning on leaving anyway…just not until I had another gig lined up.  That didn’t happen.  Instead, I’ve applied for 36 different jobs and had eight interviews.  Now, if you haven’t jobhunted for awhile, or have gotten lucky and been successfully able to jump straight from job to job, then you’re probably thinking “only eight interviews?  So what?”.  I probably would have thought the same thing six months ago.

I was so naive back then.

A job interview is mentally draining.  Firstly, you get a phone interview (if you’re lucky).  You spend twenty minutes trying to talk yourself up to some random on the other end of the phone, trying to sound confident but not arrogant, and trying to convince them (and usually, yourself) that you’d be fantastic at whatever job they’re calling about.  Issue is, most of the time, you didn’t apply because it’s your dream job.  You applied because, hey, they have money they might be willing to part with if you can play the part.  Sometimes when they call you have to mentally track back as to why you even applied for the job at all (do I really want to sell DOORS?  Is that even a job?  How many people go door shopping?).  Then you remember you were having a “low day” where you feel like you’ll never get a job again and applied for anything you believe you could remotely do, to hell with job enjoyment.  Finally, the call is over and they tell you they’ll be in contact.

This is a good situation.

A bad situation is when they decide that phone interviews are soooo 1999, and decide instead to make you do a VIDEO INTERVIEW.  Prior to this whole thing, I’d never even known this was a thing.  What a wonderful happy place the world seemed when I didn’t know about these.  Basically what they are is you, dressed up nicely, filming yourself, talking about yourself, in an empty room, addressing people you’ll never meet in the hope they’ll throw you a bone and call you in for an actual interview.  They basically give you a link (usually to an app), a bunch of questions and a timeframe, and leave the rest up to you.  It’s kind of like an audition tape for a role that will never pay you enough to warrant this nonsense.  But even this isn’t the worst of it.  There are two styles I’ve come across – the first is where you have time to answer the questions and redo your answers.  Aka, they let you be professional in the video.  Trust me, you need time to redo your answers.  You stutter, you get tongue tied, you lose your train of thought, you say the wrong thing, you swear, you scratch your face.  It happens.  If you think filming yourself over and over for an hour trying to answer the same questions is bad, oh ho ho, you’d be wrong.

There are sickos out there who don’t allow for that.

I’ve only had to do it once this way (so far) but they basically fire a question at you, give you about 20 seconds to come up with an answer to it that doesn’t sound too pretentious, and then bam! you’re expected to look professional and jobworthy on camera while you answer and try not to get tongue tied.  And just for good measure, they throw in a time limit on each answer too.  Who doesn’t love a bit of pressure, right?!

Okay, so once one of those two scenarios play out, you then do some more waiting.  Oh, the joy of checking your inbox 236 times a day in case an interview invitation might have crept it’s way in there without you noticing (you conveniently forget that your phone actually tells you when you get mail).  No mail?  Damn.  Maybe I missed a call and my iPhone spazzed out.  I’ll just check my call log.  Nope.  Domino’s is still the last call.  (It was a “low day” – don’t judge me!).

Finally, you get a follow up call from one of the potential hirers.  They always sound so optimistic, like you’re the top person on their list and they’re falling over themselves to hire you.  Like the interview is just a formality that has to happen but if it were up to them, you’d get the job on the spot.

It’s a trap!

You probably aren’t top of their list.  They’ve probably already made 10 phone calls exactly the same as this prior to you.  Hell, they probably gave everyone a face-to-face interview that could string two words together.  Or maybe they didn’t.  Maybe they are actually falling over themselves to hire you.  You just don’t know.  The issue is, you’re so happy you’re finally getting a step closer to a job that you completely forget that you may not actually have a 99% chance at landing it if you put on a bit of make up and have a positive attitude.

This is the “high day”.  The time after that phone call and before the interview.  Especially if it’s for a job you actually may not want to bail on the second something better comes along.  It’s the day you don’t order pizza, it’s the day you get off the couch and put on a bra and maybe even do some housework.  Someone thinks I’m worthy of a face-to-face meeting!  I’m one step away from employment!  We’re on the home stretch!

So the day of the interview comes.  Time to get yo profesh on.  Nice clothes, make up, perfume, uncomfortable shoes.  What is it with dressing up and wearing uncomfortable shoes?  Put some extra jewellery on, brush your teeth extra well.  Pretend like you haven’t been channel surfing for a week straight.  Positive thoughts Jessa, you are a hard worker.  They’d be crazy not to hire you.  Speak clearly.  You’ve got this in the bag.  Don’t ramble.

You leave early, even though it’s the middle of the day.  There might be traffic!  There’s not.  So you wind up sitting in your car, 20 minutes early, scrolling mindlessly through Facebook wishing your friends posted more interesting things and trying not to think that most of them aren’t posting because they are at work and you are basically trying to convince the world you’re worthy of joining that league once more.

Finally the time comes when it’s time to go in.  You feel overdressed.  Should have worn something less attention seeking.  Everyone is looking at me. (Nobody is).  Should have worn comfortable shoes.  Nobody is gonna hire me if I walk like my legs are asleep. You approach the nearest staff member and mumble awkwardly you’re here for an interview.  The staff member looks you up and down, then says “well, wait around, they’ll grab you when they’re ready”.  So you wait.  You don’t want to just stand there like an idiot, so you walk a little.  Not too much though, you don’t want to look like you’re pacing.  Keep moving though, you don’t want to look bored.  In the end you probably look like both at once.

Finally, the interviewer arrives.  Cue awkward introduction.  You try to sound confident but it doesn’t come out that way.

Oh well already blew it might as well go home.

But no.  You follow the interviewer to the meeting area and sit down.  Here comes the stupid, open ended question that seems mandatory in every interview ever.

“So, tell me a bit about yourself?”

You’d think after eight times I’d have this down pat, but I never really know if I do.  Do they want to know about my work history?  Do they want to know about my general interests?  Do they want to know about my day and what I ate for breakfast?  Or are they simply asking it as a polite formality?  Every interviewer seems to have a different take on this, from what I can gather, so I never know how to answer.  In the end, I usually just go down the job history path.  It seems safest, albeit the most dull.

Once the conversation starts the interview generally starts to run it’s course smoothly.  I have quite a bit of valuable experience (that much I know is true) and the interviewers seem to be interested in it.  Keyword: seem.  This is when my confidence picks up and I talk (ramble) about back stories and tasks I’ve done and why I’d love to work for…what company is this again?

Finally, after a final – more confident – handshake, the interview is over.  You walk away with your head held high.  You not only survived it, but it seemed to go very well.  You start to pick it apart on the way home – the interviewer said “we’ll be in contact by Monday”, that’s gotta be a good sign, right?  They talked a lot about that one story you shared about how you helped that guy out, that must mean I’ve won them over, surely?  In your head, you’re picturing the next five years of your life at the company, and start planning your life now you have an income again.  Even though a little voice is saying “Jessa, get a grip, they told you they have more people to interview” you’re already mentally partying.

More waiting.

So much waiting.

The day arrives that they promised you an answer.  You stare at your phone.  You want it to ring but think “if they don’t call til later, surely it means good news”.  You hope one of your referees message you to say they just got called, but nothing comes through.  “It’s okay, they probably got a call at an inconvenient time and didn’t have a chance to tell you”.  Finally, the phone rings.  Here it comes!  Good news at last!

“Hi Jessa, how’s it going?  I’m just calling to let you know you’ve been unsuccessful, sorry.  Do you want us to keep your details on record in case something else opens up?  You were great, we just found someone better”.

You feel like you’ve been kicked in the guts.

You knew this was going to happen, or at least, there was potential that it would.  Despite that, you let yourself get excited about it.

Bring on another “low day” where you hate the world and all the shitty TV shows that are on.  You hate you don’t have an income to go out and buy three boxes of Krispy Kremes and two pints of Ben and Jerry’s.  Instead you make do with Nutella on toast because that’s the best comfort food you have in the house.  You try not to look at your computer but can hear it calling “Jessa, time to do more job applications!  Time to do it all over again!”.  Eventually you give in and start applying, and because it’s a low day, you think selling blinds is a fantastic life choice.

And so the vicious cycle starts all over again.

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-JD