Time to Change – Day Ninety-Two

So, the rain has finally come.  After sweltering through the past three days which all cleared 40 degrees celcius (that’s 104 degrees fahrenheit for those in the US), I don’t remember the last time I was so happy to see the sky grey over.  I’ll discuss this more later, as I’ll try to pick up where I left off last time.

I’d just been to the Taylor Swift concert, and honestly, that’s still probably the coolest thing I’ve done in awhile.  As predicted, my weekend wasn’t particularly interesting.  Neither was my working week really, aside from a massive sale I managed to get after the customer came in with a simple question.  Everyone at work was very impressed, and I got talked about in the next day’s before-your-shift meeting.  That was a nice feeling because firstly, my previous job never really gave any recognition like that and secondly, it makes me feel like I deserve to be there.  Or…I don’t know if that’s right…I guess it makes me feel like less of a newbie.  Don’t get me wrong, aside from asking more questions than older employees, I don’t think many people really see me as a newbie (mostly because there’s just so many of us), but I still feel like one.  It’s hard to shake that mentality, though at some point I’ll have to.  I guess after my probation ends, which will be in three months time.  We’ll see.  Either way, it was pretty cool that I was the topic of the day.  Even the store manager (who I have the occasional two-second conversation with but otherwise don’t have a lot to do with) pulled me aside and introduced me to someone (a higher up visiting the store or something) and said I was “the girl who did the massive sale yesterday”.  Apparently I was the “special mention” on their daily conference call.  Pretty sweet!

I caught public transport all week, and am really starting to get used to it.  I know when I have to sneak out a couple of minutes early from my shift to race to catch the train (or else sit around for 20 minutes waiting for the next one), I know without checking what time the bus comes each morning (keeping in mind my shifts change a lot, so it’s taken me awhile to get used to).  Hell, I’m even managing to keep my balance better on the train when I’m forced to stand up!  Thankfully, this hasn’t happened too often as I generally miss peak hour.

The commute still exhausts me.  I feel like I’ll never properly get used to it.  I know it’s probably way too early to say that but I’ve always needed a decent amount of sleep to function and often, I’m just not able to get that, which leaves me feeling groggy, grumpy and out of it in the morning.  It also means I spent a large portion of my weekends catching up on sleep, which don’t get me wrong, I’m okay with…but I don’t know how I’m going to cope longterm.  Still, each time I think about asking for a transfer, I remember all that I’d be giving up with it…and I just can’t do it.  It’d be like giving up a mansion to go back to a unit.  I’m hoping my roster will be a little better next month, but given how big our normal trading hours are, I’m not holding my breath.

I called in sick for the first time at this job on Friday.  This may not seem too interesting, but I’m one of those people that never, ever call in sick.  It’s something mum drummed into me the second I joined the work force – “save your sick leave in case you wind up in hospital!”.  While she has a point, the real reason behind her anti-sick-leave status is that her and my dad run a business and they’ve gone through a number of employees who use up their sick leave extremely quickly.  She knows what it’s like to be on the other side of them.  I guess, coming from management in my last job, I do as well.  So for me to call in sick, it’s a big deal.  I’d rather go work and try to stick it out until someone looks at me pityingly and tells me to go home.  I did vow, though, that I was going into this job with a different mentality.  I wouldn’t work excessive amounts of hours, I wouldn’t work when I wasn’t getting paid…and I’m not going to kill myself trying to work when I’m sick.  I left my previous job with something like 500 hours of sick leave, none of which I got reimbursed for.  That’s essentially weeks of paid leave I missed out on.  Now, I’m not saying I’m going to call in sick “because I feel a cold coming on” (that was a legitimate excuse someone gave at my previous work once), but I’m also going to acknowledge that sick leave is there to be used.  I think it helps that we have so many staff working that my not being there occasionally isn’t going to wreck havoc on the store for the day.

Anyway, I digress.  I woke up with a headache, but it seemed to go away within about half an hour.  I wasn’t due in at work until 2, and had scheduled a meeting to sign my building contract for my house at 9.30.  It was the first day of scorching heat, and it was already in the mid-30s by the time I got there.  My head started to hurt again, but again, I ignored it.  The meeting was dry, as my parents read through the thick wad of paperwork, pretending to understand what it was saying.  Then I had to sign countless pages, and initial them, and then do it all over again for a second copy.  Oh man, it took so long.  By the time that was done, my head was feeling pretty terrible, though at least the place had air con.  Once the meeting wrapped up, and I had to step out into the heat, I knew a sick day was on the cards.  I’m glad the place was only 20 minutes away from home, because I was feeling weak, dizzy, nauseous and wished I’d bought my sunglasses, because the light was not my friend.  I stumbled into my house, which thankfully was lovely and dark (the blinds drawn and fans already running on high in an attempt to outsmart the heat).  Despite all this, I was still in two minds about calling.  Mum had drilled her ideas into me so hard that it made me feel even more sick at the prospect of making the call.  The only reason I managed to was because I knew I couldn’t handle getting onto a hot train and then standing on my feet, making small talk with strangers for eight hours, feeling like I might vomit on their shoes the whole time.  When I called, one of the guys I feel like I know okay picked up…thank God.  If it was someone from back of house like I’d assumed, I’d have been more nervous as I don’t have much to do with them.  The guy was lovely and told me I’d need a medical certificate (I’d already mentally prepared for that), and told me to get better.  That was it.  Painless.  I then called the doctors and made an appointment for much later in the afternoon, and settled in on the couch, relieved I didn’t have to work.  I slept off the migraine and by mid-afternoon was feeling great.  And guilty, because I could have done the second-half of my shift no problem, but I tried not to dwell on that.  I’d already called in sick, they’d probably already replaced me, and besides, hoarding sick leave didn’t work out well last time.

I went to my doctors appointment, expecting to be sitting around for an hour.  It often happens at the place I go to, but I stick with it because the doctors are really no-fuss-straight-to-the-point…which is great when you just want a medical certificate, and that’s at least 50% of the reason I go to the doctors.  Instead, I was sitting there for maybe two minutes, got called in, and walked out with the med cert two minutes later.  Amazing!

I was feeling great by Friday night, knowing I still had two days off.  I think the migraine was partly from the heat (and therefore, lack of sleep), but also because I’d been running myself into the ground with work and the hour-and-a-half commute each way.  I’d been feeling off for a couple of days.   I think I’m going to have to start listening to my body more now, and using my sick days for the occasional “mental health” day.  I know that’s not what they’re actually for (and my mother would be horrified), but if I ignore my body, it only makes things worse.  We’ll see how we go though.

The last two days have been mostly spent holed up at home, determined to beat the disgusting heat without air con.  The air con as never worked properly in the place I live in, and I know I could get it fixed, but it’s not worth the trouble when I know for the most part I’m not home during the day, and that I’ll be moving out soon enough into my own place with proper air con.  Until then, I survive with lots of fans and the blinds drawn.  I quite like the darkness anyway, but my dog gets a little frustrated.  She loves nothing more than the back door wide open so she has free rein of the house and yard…and that wasn’t happening this weekend.  I’d let her out, but the second she’d come back in, everything would be shut up again.  I think overall for the three days I did pretty well.  I mean, it wasn’t air conditioning cold in the house, but it was manageable.  On the plus side, fans are a lot cheaper to run than air con, so hopefully I’ve saved some money that way!

This morning I had to brave the heat as I needed to get my nails redone.  They weren’t catching on anything yet (my sign that they’re in desperate need of fixing up), but I knew I wouldn’t have time during the week to go anywhere thanks to my commute time and odd work hours, and then it’s Christmas and everything will be closed.  I really didn’t want to go, but I really couldn’t avoid it.  I usually go to a place about 30 mins away, as I really like it there, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen today…if I had to go there, I wouldn’t go at all.  I decided I’d try the place five minutes down the road, and that I’d get there early in an attempt to beat the crowds and the heat.  They were set to open at 10, so I was there at 10.  All the other shops around it opened, and the opening hours on the door confirmed I was there at the right time, and yet…nothing.  There were no lights on inside, no movement, and slowly, other people began to join me in waiting.  I waited fifteen minutes, then gave up.  Even if she’d arrived right then, there’d surely only be one of her, otherwise someone else would already be there to open up.  And if there’s only one of her, how could she possible serve the four people waiting?

I headed to the closest shopping centre instead.  I’d been avoiding going there as this close to Christmas, I was worried it would be flat out.  I guess it was, but I wouldn’t say it was busier than usual.  The shops had only opened half an hour before though, so I guess a lot of people had slept in, or gone to Church, and decided to wait for the cool change to come through.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty pleased.  I wandered into the first nail place I could find, and there were pretty busy, but told me to take a seat.  I waited maybe fifteen minutes, but I received acknowledgement and apologies the whole time, so I didn’t mind.  Hell, I was expecting to be told to come back later when I first walked in, so I was okay with the relatively short wait.  Once I did get served, I found the service friendly and attentive.  The first girl took her time fixing up my nails, carefully removing the old shellac and paint and reshaping them.  Then another girl took her time repainting them, doing 5 layers on each, which was actually really nice as it felt like she cared about how they turned out.  She also made sure they were 100% dry, which is something I’ve had issues with in the past.  My only gripe about the place – and it’s a small one – is that they didn’t take card, meaning I had to quickly run to the ATM and pull cash out.  I could have easily done a runner, but they’d done such a great job I didn’t have the heart to do it.  Still, I wonder how many times that’s happened.  It’s their own fault really, for not taking card in the first place, and for having the smallest “cash only” sign in existence.  I’d definitely go back there again though, even if it feels like I’m cheating on my usual place for them!

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Tomorrow I’m back at work, but only for four days thanks to Christmas, and then I have a four day weekend, woohoo!  I’m not 100% sure why I have Monday off, though I’m thinking it’s because Boxing Day falls on a Saturday this year, and Saturday is my usual RDO, so they’re giving my Monday off instead.  That’s just a guess though, and I’m not going to question it in case it’s a mistake.  I mean, I don’t think it is, but I’m so looking forward to 4 days off that I’m not gonna risk it!  I also got some goods news yesterday – the store is closing earlier than originally planned on Christmas Eve, so I’m only working until 6pm now instead of 8!  Yaaay!

My diet still isn’t back on track.  I know it’s all just excuses, but when you’re roster is everywhere, you spend 3 hours a day on public transport and you don’t even have a set break time, it’s extremely challenging to find time to eat healthy food.  I’m just glad I’m getting extra exercise in to help make up for it.  I know it won’t do much, but it’s better than nothing.

How’s was everyone else’s week?

– JD

PS I realized I skimmed over the fact I signed my building contract.  I know it should be a big deal.  I mean, it is a big deal.  It’s final and locked in and in six months or so, I’ll be a home owner with a mortgage.  It all just feels so surreal though that it just felt like more paperwork.  It didn’t help I was feeling so unwell, but I think even if I wasn’t, I don’t think I’d have felt too excited about it.  Like, I acknowledge the importance of it…but until the building starts and I can finally see work being done, it’s still just a pipe dream.  It’s nothing but scribbles and words.  I’m hanging for the day when I can move in and see all the stuff I chose on colour day in real life, with my furniture in there.  Until then, I just can’t get excited about it all.

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Two

So, today is my last day of unemployment.  You think I’d be nervous, but I’m not.  I’m not really feeling much of anything.  I guess it’ll hit me tomorrow.  This is hopefully the start of my next journey.  I just hope I found it as enjoyable (and educational) as my last one.

I’d been feeling pretty under the weather from the migraine that had carried on from the previous day.  It’s a weird one too.  I’ve had my fair share of them but this one isn’t normal.  I woke up at 1am with the top of my jaw and ears hurting just as much as my head.  I took more painkillers and went back to sleep.  Woke up and my ears were really sore again, though my headache and jawache were basically gone.  My headache came back about 9am, so I took more painkillers.  It’s been okay most of the day, though my ears are both really sore again now, as are my eyes.  It’s really annoying because I can’t afford to get sick, and I’m worried it’s the beginning of ear infections.  The last time I had an ear infection was during a trip across Australia when I was about 14.  It was the worst pain of my life.  I was screaming and sobbing while my parents were frantically trying to find a doctor still open at 8pm in a foreign city.  I can’t afford to go through that again, particularly when I’m about to start a new job.  I’m just hoping it’ll fix itself and painkillers will do their job until that happens.

I went for my walk about lunchtime.  I wasn’t going to waste my last day off, although as always, I was tempted.  I got home and napped in the afternoon, hoping resting would ease my incoming illness.  I don’t know if it helped.  It doesn’t feel like it did.  I ate dinner late, as I just wasn’t hungry.  I knew I couldn’t go without though, so I eventually made myself something healthy and forced it down.  Skipping meals isn’t a good idea for weight loss or for keeping healthy.

Tomorrow will be a big day, I can feel it.  Meeting a whole bunch of new people, in a new place, in the city which is always congested.  I don’t see it being a fun experience for me, but I know it has to be done.  At least I feel like once I get this out of the way, I’ll enjoy the job much more than the one I was doing (temporarily).  I hate being the newbie and feeling out of my depth, but I know it has to happen, whether it’s with this job or another one.  Everyone has to go through it before they become one of the team.  I just need to suck it up and try to learn things as quickly as possible.

I think I’m gonna head to bed now.  My ears are really starting to ache.  I hope they don’t get much worse.  Now is not the time, body!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-One

I skipped yesterday.  I’d like to say it was an accident but truthfully, it wasn’t.  I had plenty of time to do it, but I just didn’t want to sit there and write that I had a lazy day.  That I could have gotten my exercise in but didn’t.  That I fed myself excuse after excuse about why I shouldn’t go yet until – oops – it’s nighttime.  I know one day isn’t going to matter so much and I sound like I’m being really harsh on myself but I know if I’m not, that everything will just slip back into the way it was.  I can’t afford for that to happen.  Part of me wants it to…a rather large part some days…but I don’t want to be known as the ‘fat friend’ forever.  It sucks.  Only I have the power to change that, I know that, but some days it’s just so hard to find motivation and energy to keep going.

I think a lot of the problem is, my weight isn’t changing.  I mean, it isn’t going up so that’s good, but the whole point is I want it to go down.  It’s been 3 weeks and I’ve only lost a kilo.  I’m fairly certain I’ve lost centimetres from my stomach, but because I didn’t think to measure before this started, I’m constantly doubting it.  I think I’m just at that kind of crossroad that inevitably happens when I try to diet.  Each time before this, I’ve always thrown in the towel at this point.  I certainly am on the boarderline of it now.  My carefully planned meals are slowly sneaking back to unhealthy options, my exercise is once again a chore…it’s certainly not a great headspace to be in.  I’m not giving in though.  I’ve come this far – further than pretty much any of my other attempts – and I know this all has to be helping my body in some way.  If nothing else, it’s stopping me from binging on junk food and making it worse…at best, it’s making me fitter and healthier.

Anyway, yesterday, as I said, was a lazy day.  I caught up on people’s blogs for a few hours, sat in the sun, watched TV.  Found out at dinnertime that there was a second season of Finding Carter that I never knew about (one of the pitfalls of living in Australia.  Everything is delayed.  I thought Foxtel had began rectifying the issue but apparently not).  I tracked down the episodes and watched four or five of them before bed.  Fell asleep to Inside Out (such a fantastic movie.  Oh how I love anything Pixar!).

Woke up this morning feeling guilty as hell about yesterday and telling myself that no matter what happens, I’m going for my walk today.  I wasn’t going to let myself give up.  The first thing I did was check my weather app, which told me it was going to be humid by lunchtime and then a good chance of rain all afternoon.  Right, morning walk it is then!  I got up, watched a couple more episodes of FC, then headed out.  It was another one of those days where I hated every step.  One of those days where you just want it to end before it’s even started.  I guess I should have expected it…it was windy, overcast, I felt guilty for not going yesterday, plus my body was probably feeling the affects of that too.  I got home, only to find out my Apple Watch had only logged half the walk.  Still not sure why.  I didn’t do anything differently and it’s never done it before.  Very annoying though, as I love looking back at my records when I need motivation, and now today’s looks like I didn’t get my exercise in when I did.  *sigh* That’s technology for ya.

I finished watching the rest of FC once I got home, then had a nap.  Woke up with a splitting headache and neck pain (though the neck pain is basically constant these days).  I took some pain killers and ran a bath.  I’m feeling okay now, though I can tell the migraine is still there, just hidden away under the effects of the medication.  I really wish I wasn’t so prone to them.  I’ve had them regularly ever since I was a kid.  They got worse when my eyesight started getting weaker, slightly improved once I got glasses, and now they’re back to being at least once a week, sometimes more.  Plus on top of that is this near-constant neck pain.  Once I get back on my feet financially again, I’m going to have to book myself into the osteotherapist.  I used to go a year or two back and they did help a bit, though I was going mostly for my back and shoulder pain (I’ve also got scoliosis, though it hadn’t bothered me too much for awhile now).  If only the sessions didn’t cost a small fortune, I’d go regularly.

Now I’m sitting here, waiting for the storms to come.  No rain at all as yet (thanks a lot weather app!) but the skies are finally getting darker and I think I’ll see some lightning tonight.  I love storms.  I love the craziness of them, the noise, the flashes of light, the sleeting rain.  Ever since I was little I’d hang out for them.  I’m glad my dog is okay with them…one of the dogs I grew up with hated them and would bark continuously until it was over.  That kind of ruined the magic of them a little bit.

Hope y’all had a productive day!

-JD