“Write a Letter to a Special Person in Your Life”

This was a letter I wrote awhile ago, in one of my depressed moods.  I wrote it knowing very well the person it was addressed to more-than-likely wouldn’t read or know about it.  It was just to get it off my chest – a coping mechanism I’ve used for several years when my head and heart feel like they’re exploding and overflowing with thoughts.  Things have changed a bit since then, but I felt like this is a fitting response to the prompt.  I might as well put it to some kind of use, even if it was never given to it’s addressee.

Hi,
You drive me crazy, do you know that? Probably not. I can’t stand not seeing you every day. I really can’t stand that we can’t even meet up regularly. I know, you’re busy and you’ve got this grown up job now and everything is coming up Milhouse for you. I hate that I’m once again in this painful situation of missing and hoping for something that probably isn’t there. It crosses my mind almost daily that I should just walk away. Block your number. Delete whatsapp. That would be the sensible MATURE thing to do, right? For all the joy you bring to my life right now, there’s at least an equal amount of disappointment and sadness. Surely that should be reason enough to move on? It isn’t though. Because sometimes you say or do something and suddenly…suddenly it reminds me why I’m in this situation at all. Granted you probably don’t even know you’re doing it. I’d even go so far as to suggest you’re trying your very best not to do anything like that because girls liking you makes you uncomfortable. Oh yeah, I noticed that. I’m not an idiot. I do find it kind of funny though…not haha funny, just…curious. Being on the bigger side myself, I’d give anything for someone to take an interest in me. Even if it’s awkwardly one sided. I just find it curious why you seem to push people who like you away? I’m not saying you should force something that isn’t there, I just…I would have thought your “big person” mentality may still be there somewhere. What would I know about that though? I didn’t know you then. It may sound funny to say, but I wish I did. Firstly, because maybe you’d have given me a shot…a proper shot. But secondly – and more importantly – because then maybe you’d believe I like you for who you are and not just because you’re super cute. Oh, that’s a plus, I’m not denying that, but you’re more than that. Infinitely more. You’re so funny. I could listen to you for hours and not get bored. And you’re cheeky. You’ve got the cutest smile when you do something naughty. And you’re so smart. World-smart, like you’ve experienced everything. You are always (infuriatingly at times) right. For me to admit that, as I’m sure you know, is a massive deal. I don’t like to be wrong. You’re patient, moreso than anyone I know. You know how to listen and how to respond. That is something that can’t be taught, no matter how much schooling or work experience you’ve had. You’re generous. You don’t mind spending money to make people happy. In this world, there aren’t enough people who understand the importance of that. You’re honest. God, guys your age need a lesson or two in that. It’s refreshing to be given a reality check once in awhile. It’s so nice to hear words come from someone else that you’ve been thinking all along instead of white lies to make you feel better. I guess what I’m getting at is, you are amazing on the inside, so who gives a fuck about the outside? I feel like you just assume anyone who likes you now only does so in a physical sense. I can appreciate that, and I’m also sure you have plenty of examples to back it up with. My point is, I’m not one of them.  I’ve gotten to know you pretty damn well and there isn’t a thing I’d change…well, except the uncomfortableness. I hate that we met the way we did though. I mean, I loved working with you and I enjoyed seeing your face every day, but I just feel like if we’d met in different circumstances, maybe things would be different. Do you remember way back at the start when we talked half the night and you bailed on a party to keep talking? Do you remember those times we could hardly catch our breaths from laughter?  Don’t tell me you didn’t feel something at some point. I saw it in your eyes. That’s why I wish we’d met under different circumstances. I know workplace relationships are a bad idea, and I certainly know how you felt about them. I wish we’d met at a party or through mutual friends or even – god forbid – Tinder. Just somewhere that let us be…I don’t know…free to see how things went. Properly. I feel like this is all being said too late. I always hoped deep down you’d say “fuck it” and ask me out anyway but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. You didn’t want to jeopardise your job. I get it. I mean it’s kind of funny now, given how everything turned out, but still. At the time, I get it. Oh I hope I’m not wrong about it all. It’s one thing to know you don’t feel that way now but it’s another thing entirely to know I was wrong all along. I’ve never been good at picking up signals but I know I caught you staring at me more than once and I know I certainly felt something between us. Please don’t say I imagined that.
Anyway, this turned into an essay. I could keep writing forever and still not fully explain everything. I guess the main point of all this is, I love you and I miss you uncontrollably and I just thought you ought to know. Or I guess, that I ought to tell you. Properly. Not someone else getting in your ear and sniggering as they tell you, as I’m sure has happened previously. I’m sorry about that. I should have been honest from the start, so that didn’t happen. It wasn’t fair on either of us. Too little too late as I’m sure this all is, I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe it’s not too late.

I found this prompt, and many more, here.

#loveme challenge – Day Seventeen

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Day 17 – Something that Feeds your Soul

Whenever I’m feeling sick or sad or I can’t sleep, the best remedy I have is to put old episodes of The Simpsons, Rocko’s Modern Life or Rugrats on.  Cartoons – especially ones filled with nostalgia – make me feel like everything is okay.  It helps me switch off and relax, more than almost anything else can.  It takes me back to childhood and the sweet innocence of it all.  Plus, a bit of light comedy is always a good idea!

By Heart

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “By Heart.”
You’re asked to recite a poem (or song lyrics) from memory — what’s the first one that comes to mind? Does it have a special meaning, or is there another reason it has stayed, intact, in your mind?

Life, to be sure, is nothing much to lose,
But young men think it is,
And we were young…
– A E Houseman

I’ve been obsessed with the ‘Tomorrow’ series by John Marsden for over a decade.  I’ve read the books, I’ve listened over and over to the audiobooks.  It’s my favourite series ever.  That poem (or I guess, a portion of it) was in one of the books, and it’s stuck by me ever since I first came across it.  Firstly, it’s such a beautifully written piece, there’s no denying that.  But secondly, it really speaks to me, particularly as the poem was originally based on soldiers in World War 1, and I found it via a book series based around a fictional war.  It reflects the bravery that soldiers have…a bravery I can scarcely wrap my head around.  More than that, it speaks of an attitude most of us have towards dying.  It’s always surprised me when older people say that aren’t afraid of death, or they’d welcome it (and mean it).  I know some of the time it’s due to their faith and belief in what’s coming next…something I don’t really have.  I mean I have hopes and wishes of what it will be but no faith it will eventuate that way.  But to hear someone say they’d welcome death in a genuine, not-depressed way…I just can’t imagine how to feel like that.  Death is such a final thing.  You leave your body, you are no longer part of the world, you no longer exist.  How does anyone welcome that?  How does anyone have so much faith in whatever belief they hold that they aren’t even a teensy bit afraid of what will happen?  This is why the poem speaks to me.  It puts it into a perspective I’d never previously thought about.  “But young men think it is/and we were young”.  Maybe I just can’t imagine it because I’m just too young?  Maybe it takes decades of living to appreciate the end of it?  After all, the only young people who I’ve heard genuinely say they’d welcome death are those who have suffered through horrendous loss or disease…those that mentally age us beyond anything else.  This is why I’ve memorised that poem, and why I hold it so dear.  I helps me make sense of it all.  Funny how three short lines can have such a profound impact.

-JD

#loveme challenge – Day Five

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Day Five – “A Note to Your Past Self”.

Hmmm.  This is vague.  Interesting, but vague.  Who do I write to?  My five-year-old self that was obsessed with Barbies and the colour orange?  My nine-year-old self who was absolutely convinced she’d become an artist when she grew up?  My twelve-year-old self, in the cusp of puberty and extremely embarrassed by it all?  So many options.

Dear my sixteen-year-old self.
Hi.  I know it’s hard to believe I’m writing to you from the future.  I’m 25 now.  Seems crazy right?  25, the time you assumed that you’d have it all together.  Well, unfortunately you don’t.  No partner, no job, renting (don’t be mad, I know you swore you’d never get stuck the rent trap but you also know how badly you needed to move out of the parentals place.  Trust me, this isn’t so bad), still not sure what you want to do with your life.  But you know what?  A lot of 25-year-olds are in the same situation.  It’s scary, but it’s not so bad.  I know to you, 25 seems so far away, but it isn’t.  It’ll come faster than you think.
I know right now you’re going through some stuff.  You feel alone.  You aren’t.  Sixteen is a tough year for most people.  Don’t let it get you down.  Enjoy yourself.  I know the teachers at school are all about you “knuckling down” and suggesting you “think about your future”.  I know the tests are getting harder, the lessons are getting more serious.  Don’t worry about it.  Just do your best, but don’t let it wear you down.  There’s more important things than the result of some quiz.  Go out more with your friends.  Spend more time with your dogs.  Buy stupid things.  Quit that awful job.  Don’t let yourself get stressed out and depressed.  Everything will work out.
That boy you think you’re in love with…let him go.  He’s not right for you and not interested in you.  You pretending to enjoy sport isn’t going to get you anywhere.  Don’t let him hurt you, you’re worth more than that.  It’s okay to be alone, even if the whole world seems to believe otherwise.
It’s okay to be emo.  It’s okay to enjoy it.  If it makes you happy, just do it.  It won’t last forever.  At 25, you can’t do stuff like that any more.  Enjoy these phases while you can, it’ll make for more interesting stories later on.
Don’t listen to your mum or anyone else who says you’re fat.  You aren’t.  You may not be the skinniest person in your year level but you are not overweight.  Don’t throw in the towel and think it’s okay to eat bad food all the time.  It will catch up with you!
The most important piece of advise I’ve got – more important than anything else I’ve mentioned – is to be yourself.  I know at 16, it’s all about peer pressure and fitting in, but almost all the people you associate with now, you won’t remain friends with in a few years.  Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true.  People grow up, go separate ways, don’t have time to organise catch ups.  Don’t worry what they think.  Don’t pretend you enjoy things that you don’t, don’t spend time with people you dislike.  It’s okay to go against the crowd sometimes, but it’s also perfectly fine to go with it (which I know you struggle with).  Sometimes, the crowd is right.  You don’t have to constantly be at war with “the man”.  Pick your fights.
Anyway, hope school isn’t too tough for you today!  Chin up soldier!

-JD