Time to Change – Day Ninety-Two

So, the rain has finally come.  After sweltering through the past three days which all cleared 40 degrees celcius (that’s 104 degrees fahrenheit for those in the US), I don’t remember the last time I was so happy to see the sky grey over.  I’ll discuss this more later, as I’ll try to pick up where I left off last time.

I’d just been to the Taylor Swift concert, and honestly, that’s still probably the coolest thing I’ve done in awhile.  As predicted, my weekend wasn’t particularly interesting.  Neither was my working week really, aside from a massive sale I managed to get after the customer came in with a simple question.  Everyone at work was very impressed, and I got talked about in the next day’s before-your-shift meeting.  That was a nice feeling because firstly, my previous job never really gave any recognition like that and secondly, it makes me feel like I deserve to be there.  Or…I don’t know if that’s right…I guess it makes me feel like less of a newbie.  Don’t get me wrong, aside from asking more questions than older employees, I don’t think many people really see me as a newbie (mostly because there’s just so many of us), but I still feel like one.  It’s hard to shake that mentality, though at some point I’ll have to.  I guess after my probation ends, which will be in three months time.  We’ll see.  Either way, it was pretty cool that I was the topic of the day.  Even the store manager (who I have the occasional two-second conversation with but otherwise don’t have a lot to do with) pulled me aside and introduced me to someone (a higher up visiting the store or something) and said I was “the girl who did the massive sale yesterday”.  Apparently I was the “special mention” on their daily conference call.  Pretty sweet!

I caught public transport all week, and am really starting to get used to it.  I know when I have to sneak out a couple of minutes early from my shift to race to catch the train (or else sit around for 20 minutes waiting for the next one), I know without checking what time the bus comes each morning (keeping in mind my shifts change a lot, so it’s taken me awhile to get used to).  Hell, I’m even managing to keep my balance better on the train when I’m forced to stand up!  Thankfully, this hasn’t happened too often as I generally miss peak hour.

The commute still exhausts me.  I feel like I’ll never properly get used to it.  I know it’s probably way too early to say that but I’ve always needed a decent amount of sleep to function and often, I’m just not able to get that, which leaves me feeling groggy, grumpy and out of it in the morning.  It also means I spent a large portion of my weekends catching up on sleep, which don’t get me wrong, I’m okay with…but I don’t know how I’m going to cope longterm.  Still, each time I think about asking for a transfer, I remember all that I’d be giving up with it…and I just can’t do it.  It’d be like giving up a mansion to go back to a unit.  I’m hoping my roster will be a little better next month, but given how big our normal trading hours are, I’m not holding my breath.

I called in sick for the first time at this job on Friday.  This may not seem too interesting, but I’m one of those people that never, ever call in sick.  It’s something mum drummed into me the second I joined the work force – “save your sick leave in case you wind up in hospital!”.  While she has a point, the real reason behind her anti-sick-leave status is that her and my dad run a business and they’ve gone through a number of employees who use up their sick leave extremely quickly.  She knows what it’s like to be on the other side of them.  I guess, coming from management in my last job, I do as well.  So for me to call in sick, it’s a big deal.  I’d rather go work and try to stick it out until someone looks at me pityingly and tells me to go home.  I did vow, though, that I was going into this job with a different mentality.  I wouldn’t work excessive amounts of hours, I wouldn’t work when I wasn’t getting paid…and I’m not going to kill myself trying to work when I’m sick.  I left my previous job with something like 500 hours of sick leave, none of which I got reimbursed for.  That’s essentially weeks of paid leave I missed out on.  Now, I’m not saying I’m going to call in sick “because I feel a cold coming on” (that was a legitimate excuse someone gave at my previous work once), but I’m also going to acknowledge that sick leave is there to be used.  I think it helps that we have so many staff working that my not being there occasionally isn’t going to wreck havoc on the store for the day.

Anyway, I digress.  I woke up with a headache, but it seemed to go away within about half an hour.  I wasn’t due in at work until 2, and had scheduled a meeting to sign my building contract for my house at 9.30.  It was the first day of scorching heat, and it was already in the mid-30s by the time I got there.  My head started to hurt again, but again, I ignored it.  The meeting was dry, as my parents read through the thick wad of paperwork, pretending to understand what it was saying.  Then I had to sign countless pages, and initial them, and then do it all over again for a second copy.  Oh man, it took so long.  By the time that was done, my head was feeling pretty terrible, though at least the place had air con.  Once the meeting wrapped up, and I had to step out into the heat, I knew a sick day was on the cards.  I’m glad the place was only 20 minutes away from home, because I was feeling weak, dizzy, nauseous and wished I’d bought my sunglasses, because the light was not my friend.  I stumbled into my house, which thankfully was lovely and dark (the blinds drawn and fans already running on high in an attempt to outsmart the heat).  Despite all this, I was still in two minds about calling.  Mum had drilled her ideas into me so hard that it made me feel even more sick at the prospect of making the call.  The only reason I managed to was because I knew I couldn’t handle getting onto a hot train and then standing on my feet, making small talk with strangers for eight hours, feeling like I might vomit on their shoes the whole time.  When I called, one of the guys I feel like I know okay picked up…thank God.  If it was someone from back of house like I’d assumed, I’d have been more nervous as I don’t have much to do with them.  The guy was lovely and told me I’d need a medical certificate (I’d already mentally prepared for that), and told me to get better.  That was it.  Painless.  I then called the doctors and made an appointment for much later in the afternoon, and settled in on the couch, relieved I didn’t have to work.  I slept off the migraine and by mid-afternoon was feeling great.  And guilty, because I could have done the second-half of my shift no problem, but I tried not to dwell on that.  I’d already called in sick, they’d probably already replaced me, and besides, hoarding sick leave didn’t work out well last time.

I went to my doctors appointment, expecting to be sitting around for an hour.  It often happens at the place I go to, but I stick with it because the doctors are really no-fuss-straight-to-the-point…which is great when you just want a medical certificate, and that’s at least 50% of the reason I go to the doctors.  Instead, I was sitting there for maybe two minutes, got called in, and walked out with the med cert two minutes later.  Amazing!

I was feeling great by Friday night, knowing I still had two days off.  I think the migraine was partly from the heat (and therefore, lack of sleep), but also because I’d been running myself into the ground with work and the hour-and-a-half commute each way.  I’d been feeling off for a couple of days.   I think I’m going to have to start listening to my body more now, and using my sick days for the occasional “mental health” day.  I know that’s not what they’re actually for (and my mother would be horrified), but if I ignore my body, it only makes things worse.  We’ll see how we go though.

The last two days have been mostly spent holed up at home, determined to beat the disgusting heat without air con.  The air con as never worked properly in the place I live in, and I know I could get it fixed, but it’s not worth the trouble when I know for the most part I’m not home during the day, and that I’ll be moving out soon enough into my own place with proper air con.  Until then, I survive with lots of fans and the blinds drawn.  I quite like the darkness anyway, but my dog gets a little frustrated.  She loves nothing more than the back door wide open so she has free rein of the house and yard…and that wasn’t happening this weekend.  I’d let her out, but the second she’d come back in, everything would be shut up again.  I think overall for the three days I did pretty well.  I mean, it wasn’t air conditioning cold in the house, but it was manageable.  On the plus side, fans are a lot cheaper to run than air con, so hopefully I’ve saved some money that way!

This morning I had to brave the heat as I needed to get my nails redone.  They weren’t catching on anything yet (my sign that they’re in desperate need of fixing up), but I knew I wouldn’t have time during the week to go anywhere thanks to my commute time and odd work hours, and then it’s Christmas and everything will be closed.  I really didn’t want to go, but I really couldn’t avoid it.  I usually go to a place about 30 mins away, as I really like it there, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen today…if I had to go there, I wouldn’t go at all.  I decided I’d try the place five minutes down the road, and that I’d get there early in an attempt to beat the crowds and the heat.  They were set to open at 10, so I was there at 10.  All the other shops around it opened, and the opening hours on the door confirmed I was there at the right time, and yet…nothing.  There were no lights on inside, no movement, and slowly, other people began to join me in waiting.  I waited fifteen minutes, then gave up.  Even if she’d arrived right then, there’d surely only be one of her, otherwise someone else would already be there to open up.  And if there’s only one of her, how could she possible serve the four people waiting?

I headed to the closest shopping centre instead.  I’d been avoiding going there as this close to Christmas, I was worried it would be flat out.  I guess it was, but I wouldn’t say it was busier than usual.  The shops had only opened half an hour before though, so I guess a lot of people had slept in, or gone to Church, and decided to wait for the cool change to come through.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty pleased.  I wandered into the first nail place I could find, and there were pretty busy, but told me to take a seat.  I waited maybe fifteen minutes, but I received acknowledgement and apologies the whole time, so I didn’t mind.  Hell, I was expecting to be told to come back later when I first walked in, so I was okay with the relatively short wait.  Once I did get served, I found the service friendly and attentive.  The first girl took her time fixing up my nails, carefully removing the old shellac and paint and reshaping them.  Then another girl took her time repainting them, doing 5 layers on each, which was actually really nice as it felt like she cared about how they turned out.  She also made sure they were 100% dry, which is something I’ve had issues with in the past.  My only gripe about the place – and it’s a small one – is that they didn’t take card, meaning I had to quickly run to the ATM and pull cash out.  I could have easily done a runner, but they’d done such a great job I didn’t have the heart to do it.  Still, I wonder how many times that’s happened.  It’s their own fault really, for not taking card in the first place, and for having the smallest “cash only” sign in existence.  I’d definitely go back there again though, even if it feels like I’m cheating on my usual place for them!

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Tomorrow I’m back at work, but only for four days thanks to Christmas, and then I have a four day weekend, woohoo!  I’m not 100% sure why I have Monday off, though I’m thinking it’s because Boxing Day falls on a Saturday this year, and Saturday is my usual RDO, so they’re giving my Monday off instead.  That’s just a guess though, and I’m not going to question it in case it’s a mistake.  I mean, I don’t think it is, but I’m so looking forward to 4 days off that I’m not gonna risk it!  I also got some goods news yesterday – the store is closing earlier than originally planned on Christmas Eve, so I’m only working until 6pm now instead of 8!  Yaaay!

My diet still isn’t back on track.  I know it’s all just excuses, but when you’re roster is everywhere, you spend 3 hours a day on public transport and you don’t even have a set break time, it’s extremely challenging to find time to eat healthy food.  I’m just glad I’m getting extra exercise in to help make up for it.  I know it won’t do much, but it’s better than nothing.

How’s was everyone else’s week?

– JD

PS I realized I skimmed over the fact I signed my building contract.  I know it should be a big deal.  I mean, it is a big deal.  It’s final and locked in and in six months or so, I’ll be a home owner with a mortgage.  It all just feels so surreal though that it just felt like more paperwork.  It didn’t help I was feeling so unwell, but I think even if I wasn’t, I don’t think I’d have felt too excited about it.  Like, I acknowledge the importance of it…but until the building starts and I can finally see work being done, it’s still just a pipe dream.  It’s nothing but scribbles and words.  I’m hanging for the day when I can move in and see all the stuff I chose on colour day in real life, with my furniture in there.  Until then, I just can’t get excited about it all.

The Old Man

They talk about me like I’m deaf. Stare at me like I’m blind. They assume that behind my tall stature and solemn eyes, that I’m tough. How can I tell them I’m just a baby inside? That their words keep my eyes open at night, and their actions make my insides cold?
At my age, everyone assumes I’ve heard it all. Maybe they’re correct in that assumption. Hearing something more than once, however, doesn’t lessen the sting that the echoed words create, nor does it heal the heart it breaks. Doctors have told me I’m what they call ‘depressed’. Back in the day, you were told to have a stiff drink and move on. Now they’re jumping at any chance to medicate me, educe me into some faux-happy stupor. Oh, sometimes I think it’d make for a nice change. Sometimes, late at night as I stare up at my well-studied ceiling, I can’t even fathom my own reasons for denying the drugs. Sitting in the warm spring sunshine, watching my youngest grandchild learning to walk in my favourite little park, however, I realize this is what all the grief and unhappiness has led me to. Rebekah is constantly wishing for me to take the pills. It’s the accepted norm for the world now, a world that has shunned me into it’s darkest corners and rooms they politely call ‘retirement villages’. Those places that cater for our ‘heightened needs’, but in actuality are lonely rooms filled with lonelier souls, forced together by families who now see us as burdens instead of caregivers. Oh, the place has a games room and the nurses are polite and at times even seem to care slightly, but this is always outweighed by the crisp air that follows a death and the cereal that lands in our lap extra-soggy for the ‘retirees’ who refuse – or forget – to put their dentures in of a morning.

Like any place that forces strangers together for extended periods of time, I have a few people I am more fond of than most. I’m not sure I’d go so far as to name them as ‘friends’. I can’t remember the last time I’ve called anyone that. One of the more lively of my acquaintances is a Ms Sally Wheeler. She’s always ready to entertain us with a funny anecdote from her past, or give a hug – surprisingly strong and warm, given her age – to clear our heads from the clouds of doubt. Possibly I would call her a friend did I not think she lied through her teeth on a near-constant basis. In this place, this isn’t unusual, however it’s not usually with consciousness that they are uttered, but rather because of mental illness or lack of memory. Sally, though, suffered none of that, and lied nonetheless. For peace’s sake, I kept my observations to myself. After all, who was Ms Wheeler really harming when most of her audience wouldn’t remember the next day, or the next hour?

Those people who suffer from memory problems, I envy them. It seems strange to others, possibly, but should I suffer like the man simply known as Billy, I’d never have to dwell on my past, on my mistakes or on the words of others. I’d simply live in the moment, completely. Of course Billy never knows what day it is, nor recognizes me or anyone else, and for that he does suffer. Yet, he always seems perpetually happy compared to the few of us completely conscious of where we are and what we’ve done.

It’s funny, I suppose, that Billy doesn’t get hounded by doctors wanting to medicate him. They’ve pretty much written him off as a lost cause, spouting ‘the damage is done’ to his family each time they enquire with the false hope that maybe one day a miracle pill will form and he’ll remember their names once more. I say ‘it’s funny’ because the damage has been done to me too, in the past, and is what almost solely has formed my depression and yet, I never hear the the end of doctors telling me how wonderful their medication is. If they are so willing to help cure a patient who isn’t interested, why can’t they help Billy’s family, who desperately are? The world is cruel like that, I suppose.

*

This is one of my old attempts at writing fiction.  I say ‘attempt’ not because I think I’m no good or I can’t do it…I just never have the patience to follow through to the end.  I’m sure if I could, I’d enjoy writing professionally.  Alas, it remains a hobby instead.  This was written back in 2010, but has always been one of the short stories I’m most proud of.

This was inspired by the prompt ‘Post a previously unreleased chapter from one of your books’, which can be found here

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Five

So, I’ve had a massive couple of days.  It’s exhausting going from zero to a hundred in the space of a week.  It feels weird to think this time last week I was sitting around all day, and now I can barely catch my breath.  It’s good and I’m enjoying being employed again, but it’s hard to get used to and even harder to find time to write (especially because my TV shows are already starting to pile up and get out of control, argh!).

Yesterday was pretty good.  My ears were still giving me grief but I made an effort to keep my painkillers topped up instead of letting it get out of hand then battling to get it under control.  I was in induction again, and it went well.  All the people in there were really friendly and fun, and the trainers were awesome.  I’ve been in a lot of crappy training sessions in my time, but this wasn’t one of them.  The day’s focus was on products, which is something I didn’t know much about in terms of telco-specific stuff, but I knew a lot about in it the broader sense.  I still feel like I have a lot to learn about the products they offer, but I’m not letting myself get too overwhelmed or concerned by that stuff.  I know it’s easy to get lost in it, but realistically you can fake-it-til-you-make-it with the help of computers and brochures and stuff.

Public transport is definitely a challenge.  I’ve done it before (in fact, I did it for a month this time last year) and I’d rather PT than driving into the city and paying through the nose for parking, but it’s certainly different.  Firstly, you have to get to the station, which is always a longer walk than it would be to a car park.  Not necessarily a bad thing as it gets my step count up, though adds to my exhaustion at the end of the day.  Then you wait for the train.  Then you get on and it’s peak hour so there’s no seats and barely even anything to hold onto so you’re basically focusing entirely on not falling over as the train lurches around.  You know if you do fall, it’ll be like human dominoes and you certainly don’t want to be the one that causes it.  After 45 minutes you finally arrive at your station, then get off and hurry to the waiting bus (praying it doesn’t leave before you get there).  You get on and hope he doesn’t take off until you’ve sat down, lest you fall flat on your face (I’ve done it before).  Twenty minutes later, you get off the bus and walk about a kilometre home, avoiding big trees so you won’t get swooped by crazy mother magpies.

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Seriously, I hate the fucking things.  Then again, I hate most birds so that isn’t really saying much.  Still, there isn’t much that scares me more than the sound of flapping fast approaching and the thought of claws and wings suddenly attacking you from behind.  You ask any Australian what they hate about spring time and chances are this will make it into their top three.

Anyway, I digress.  After getting up super early, battling public transport in the morning, doing training all day, battling even worst public transport at night, I get home absolutely wiped.  I didn’t get the chance to rest yesterday though.  I jumped straight into the car and headed to the doctors to see what they thought was going on with my ears.  I always arrive early and I always wonder why.  I always seem to land the ones that are miles behind.  The doctor next to her saw six separate people to my doctor’s two.  She was half an hour behind, so I didn’t get in there until 7.30.  At least she was thorough with her questioning.  We basically got nowhere though.  She said it wasn’t ear infections (surprisingly) and thought it might be part of an ongoing migraine, which I wasn’t so sure about even though when it first started it coincided with one.  Then she dropped the bombshell – she said if it was from a migraine, I should get a needle to hopefully fix it.

Wait what.

I hate needles.  I was totally blindsided by it.  I didn’t even know migraine needles were a thing, and even if I had of, I didn’t think what I had was a migraine.  So I get sent to another waiting area then ushered into a nurse’s station.  She tried to brush it off as nothing but I mean, hello, you’re sticking something into my skin.  That isn’t nothing!  Still, after getting a wisdom tooth out recently, I knew this wasn’t gonna be anywhere near as bad as two needles in my gum.  It was okay.  The needle itself didn’t hurt at all until the very end, but for the rest of the night my whole arm was so sore.  I was paranoid it would become stiff like it did once when I was a kid (though I had a feeling as a kid I probably didn’t move it at all for fear of pain and that caused issues).

So, after all that, I got home at about 8.15, tired, hot, sore and hungry.  Not the ideal end to the day.  By the time I fed the dog and got changed, it was 8.30.  I had half a bag of popcorn for dinner, watched one episode of the Block then went to bed and fell heavily asleep.  I haven’t slept like that (without drugs) for a long time.  It was one of those sleeps where you wake up and it feels like five minutes ago you crawled into bed.  While it probably means it was a good sleep, it isn’t a nice feeling because it’s like you never got to appreciate the time between work.

I battled PT again today, and had my last day of induction.  It’s funny, as I said I’ve had heaps of trainings before in my life with people I don’t know, but it’s never felt as friendly as this.  We all got on really well and had a lot of laughs.  We even added each other on Facebook at the end of it.  I think it has a lot to do with the cool people who ran it – they were just as friendly and awesome, and really set the tone for the whole training.  Today was focused mainly on systems and tying up loose ends.  I think overall I liked this day the most as I’m a bit of a systems nerd and really enjoy that aspect of work, and getting to play with all the different features.  We didn’t go in depth at all today but we saw what was possible and what we’d learn about in the future once we get into store and it seemed pretty awesome (albeit confusing and complicated).

After finally getting home, I had to leave straight away (again!), this time to go grocery shopping, which I’d been putting off for a couple of days.  Once again, I wasn’t home until after 7.30.  At least I’ve now had a chance to catch up on a few TV episodes and relax a little.  I’ll probably had a bath later on, before resting up and doing something similar tomorrow – induction might be over but now it’s compliance training, which is going to be dry and long and boring.  At least I should be able to smash through it, after doing all this at my previous work.  I’m looking forward to getting my roster for the next month and seeing where I’ll be put to train up prior to my store opening.  Hopefully it’s close by.

In terms of my diet, it went out the window this week.  Honestly, while I know I should be focusing on it and keeping it up, I just didn’t have the energy.  I had so much else going on that what I was putting in my mouth just didn’t make it onto the list.  I fell back into old habits hard.  I think once I know the gameplan I can mentally prepare a bit better and work out how I’m going to tackle it, but right now with everything so up in the air, it’s just too difficult.  This is pretty much how it was this week:

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At least working in the city and using public transport has automatically lifted my step count to an average of between 5000-7000 a day.  I haven’t had a chance to go on my walk (I feel bad for my dog who has kind of been shafted – one week I’m there and walking her every day and the next I’m out of the house heaps and not walking her).  I will make an effort to start the exercise back up once I get my roster and know where I’m working.  I know I need to stick to it, it’s just a lot harder now to find time for everything.

My ears are still sore, but I’ve cut back on the painkillers a little bit, and it’s coming and going more now instead of being constant.  I don’t know if that’s because of the injection or just because whatever’s going on is fixing itself.  I feel like it’s probably the latter – I even told the GP I didn’t think it was from migraine pain because I get migraines heaps and they’ve never been like that.  I don’t really care what the issue is, I just need to feel better.  Being sick on top of all this is making everything even more stressful and exhausting.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow, even if it’s going to be boring.  I really think I’m going to enjoy the job once I get settled in, and I can appreciate it after losing one and then hating the next one I got.  Really makes you want to do well once you find something you like!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Twenty-Three

So, today was my first day at my new job.  It was induction so nothing too scary.  I wasn’t really nervous at all.  I’ve found that happening a lot lately.  Things that should have me shaking in my boots don’t phase me at all any more.  Not sure whether it’s a sign of maturity or just me being more non-chelount.

That being said, I slept horribly last night.  I woke up what felt like continuously.  Very frustrating.  It was made worse by me knowing I needed sleep, and began a vicious cycle of stressing about not sleeping and therefore not being switched off enough to sleep.  Maybe subconsciously I was nervous?  I don’t know.

Anyway, the day started off pretty cruisy.  I didn’t start until 11.30, so I took my time getting ready.  I got on the bus at 9.30 and was in the city by 10.30.  It was as I was getting off the train I realized I’d gotten in an hour early instead of half an hour.  I’m still not sure how I managed that, because I checked half a dozen times prior to it that it started at 11.30.  Yet somehow, my brain automatically thought 11 when I was planning everything.  I decided I’d get a smoothie (I got a large but I don’t know why I did.  I always forget how much is in them.  I barely managed to get through half so it wound up being less than 200 calories in the end).  I wandered around for a bit but I hate the city and being in such a crowded place, so I quickly found a seat and waited it out.

The induction started okay.  I was one of two people who had worked in the industry previously, so most of what they went through was stuff that had already been drilled into me previously.  I guess that was lucky because the migraine I’d had on and off decided then was the perfect time to come back with a vengeance.  Luckily it was almost lunchtime by then.  I spent half the break in the toilet covering my eyes from the light and hoping nobody noticed how long the cubicle had been locked for.  I honestly would have sat there the whole break except I thought I’d probably better find some food.  The painkillers I’d taken had taken the edge off by then, so I headed to the closest place I could find.  Oportos.  Hmmm, not my first choice but it would do.  I ordered my all time favourite comfort food – hot chips – and took them back up to the classroom to eat, worried I was running out of time thanks to the guy taking ten minutes to get my order done. (Seriously, ten minutes for some fries!  It wasn’t even busy!  Are you freaking kidding me?).

I downed some more painkillers before the class started back, vowing I’d go to the doctors that night.  I don’t like having to take so many but it was either that or go home sick…and that just wasn’t an option on a first day.

I survived the rest of the day.  The migraine stayed at bay, though I could feel it trying to overpower the drugs.  I started to feel it again on the train home, but it wasn’t enough to concern me.  Once I started my walk home, I called the doctors who said they didn’t have any appointments tonight except for 10.40.  After the crappy night’s sleep last night there’s no way I was going to trek out at that time of night, so I made an appointment for tomorrow night instead.  I’m hoping it might clear up before then but it’s probably wishful thinking.

On the plus side, without going for my walk today, I clocked up over 7000 steps!  I usually average about 5000 including my walk so I was pretty happy about that.  Another plus was I officially start full time work as of today – as it was induction and the store I’ve been hired to work at isn’t opening until next month I wasn’t sure if there’d be a gap or not.  Turns out there isn’t!  Yay, time to be financially secure and independent again!

Anyway, I think that pretty much sums up my day.  I have a longer day tomorrow so I’m hoping I’m feeling better.  I feel like the doctor won’t have much else to say than “rest up” which isn’t going to happen right now.  Stupid body falling apart the second it’s called into action!

-JD

#loveme challenge – Day Seventeen

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Day 17 – Something that Feeds your Soul

Whenever I’m feeling sick or sad or I can’t sleep, the best remedy I have is to put old episodes of The Simpsons, Rocko’s Modern Life or Rugrats on.  Cartoons – especially ones filled with nostalgia – make me feel like everything is okay.  It helps me switch off and relax, more than almost anything else can.  It takes me back to childhood and the sweet innocence of it all.  Plus, a bit of light comedy is always a good idea!

Time to Change – Day Fifteen

Today was another tough day.  I slept horribly (again, it seems to be becoming the norm…which isn’t totally uncommon), woke up hot and uncomfortable and it didn’t take long to work out it was that time of the month.

Urgh.

The first and second days are always pretty rough for me.  I get cramps, I’m grumpy, I’m perpetually tired (not helped by my shitty sleeping patterns of late) and I usually get pains elsewhere as well.  Now, as if this wasn’t bad enough, daylight savings kicked in at 3am.  While I love daylight savings and having the sun out for longer at night…I did not need to lose an hour in amongst all this.  Oh, and did I mention that I decided it was a fantastic idea to stay up til midnight last night?  For no reason?  Yeahhh.  My body clock refuses to let me sleep past 7am (it doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t need to get up for work any more), so I was up and moving at 8, thanks to daylight savings, but feeling like death.  Achingly tired and crampy and gross.

Today is going to be a skip-exercise day.

That’s what I initially planned, as I stumbled around my house in a sleep-deprived coma.  I jumped on the scales and saw something that shocked me back into reality – despite having a bad couple of days just 48 hours prior, I was back to where I was before that!  I was back on track!  How did that happen?  I’d put almost a kilo back on and now it was gone again.  I know hormones probably had a bit to play in it, and maybe I didn’t actually overeat as badly as I thought I’d done, but either way, the aches and pains seemed slightly more bearable.  Slightly.

I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.  I felt horrible.  When I get cramps, they aren’t just in my tummy, they radiate down my legs and into my back and just make me feel overall rundown and exhausted.  I knew it would be too hot to exercise later, and I also knew if I put it off until then it just wouldn’t happen.  So I made one of the toughest decisions of this journey so far – I got up off the oh-so-comfy couch, pulled on my shoes and walked.  My weight loss was more important than an hour of feeling sorry for myself.  The sun was warm (warmer than yesterday because I’d left later) but it was okay.  There was almost no wind, which was a nice change.

About halfway through the cramps came back with a vengeance.  It came in waves of pain, then nausea, then feeling faint.  There was nothing for it though, I was halfway and as far away from home as I could be.  I had to soldier on.  I knew I wasn’t going to die, so I just planted one foot in front of the other and imagined my soft, comfy couch that was waiting for me at the end of this torture.  I survived.  It was the toughest walk I’d been on by far, and realistically, giving myself a day off probably wouldn’t have been such a terrible idea, but I did it.  Another day I can successfully tick off.

I’ve spent most of the day dozing and reading.  It’s days like this I hate being a girl.  I’m just glad I didn’t have plans, because I don’t know if I’d have made it to them.  We’ll see how tomorrow goes.  If I’m feeling just as crappy, I probably won’t be exercising.  But we’ll wait and see 🙂

-JD