Time to Change – Day Thirty-Three

I’ve had another busy couple of days.  It seriously feels like I’m making up for all my laziness over the past few months in one big hit.  I’m enjoying it but it’s exhausting and a little overwhelming.  I’m trying to adjust but I’m struggling and I can’t wait for the weekend so I can relax.

Yesterday I started doing most things alone at work.  I decided anything I didn’t know I’d just try, and if I got stuck I’d ask questions.  I know that makes some of the other staff a bit nervous but it’s the best way for me to learn – I struggle to focus when other people do it and I have to watch, and most of the staff don’t explain what they’re doing or slow down for me to learn properly.  I don’t blame them – I’m sure when I was teaching new kids at my old job, I did the same thing.  I think I did well, considering.  It’s tough though.  I feel pressured to do things fast as I don’t like to make customers wait and get annoyed they’re stuck with the trainee, but the systems are a lot more complicated than my old job and going fast sometimes just isn’t an option.

After work I had to go to training in the city.  I’d only found out about this 24 hours before and I was in two minds about going at all.  It was basic training on one of the products I’d been selling at my old job for years.  I didn’t think I’d learn very much, and I dreaded the idea of having to go to it after a full day of work.  I decided I’d probably better go.  I was worried if I didn’t go I’d look bad, and I don’t want that if I’m aiming to get promoted sometime in the future.  The training was long, dry and boring, as I was expecting.  It didn’t finish until after 8pm and by the time I got home, it was after 9.  I picked up some pizza on the way home, throwing my diet further off track, but there was no way I was cooking that late…especially when I had work at 9am the following day.

Needless to say, it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning.  It doesn’t matter how much I’m enjoying work, I don’t do well on little sleep.  I’d had weird dreams all night, which also didn’t help my mood.  I headed in, feeling fairly average instead of my usual excited self.  Luckily, my day actually turned out quite good.  I ran into a couple of people from my old work who I’m still on good terms with, and they were really interested in what I’m doing now and happy to see me, which was really nice as I’m used to getting the cold shoulder from a lot of the people still there.  Then I had lunch with another friend from my old work who isn’t there any more either.  It was great to see him again.  I also got to have a good talk today with my (temporary) manager about how I’m progressing at work and hear his suggestions on how to learn more.  He was impressed with what I was already capable of doing by myself, and is really keen to get me filling in the learning gaps quickly, which is great because that was what I was hoping he’d say.

On the way home I stopped off at the automatic carwash, after procrastinating about it for months.  I don’t care what anyone says, these things are the best.  $10 and the car goes in filthy and comes out clean, and you get a cool show while it’s happening.  I wish there was one closer to me…I guess maybe there is, but I haven’t seen it.  I should probably take the time to find one, as I won’t be working in that area very much longer so it won’t be my local one any more.  End of an era 😦

My foot is starting to feel a bit better, finally.  I still haven’t gotten back into my walks as it’s only just started coming good and I’m still worried I’ll do damage by pushing it.  Hopefully by the weekend I’ll have a bit more confidence in it.  My weight is back up a little but there’s no surprise there, with my diet and no exercise.  I really need to get back into it, and will.  I’m slowly starting to adjust to my working life, so by next week I should be right back into it.

One more day and I’ll be in relaxation mode!  That’s the only thought that’s going to get me through tomorrow!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Seventeen

Today wound up being another good day.  It didn’t start out so optimistic though.  It was already 20 degrees and rising at 8am…yuck.  I mean, I guess I’d take it over the depths of winter but I certainly wasn’t in any mood for exercising like I’d planned.  As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a morning person at the best of times.  The thought of going for my walk with the temperature on the rise so early was too much.  I put on a couple of Netflix docos, ate my weetbix and procrastinated going clothes shopping instead.  I guess that was probably the real reason I wasn’t in a good headspace.  Like I talked about here, clothes shopping as an overweight person is extremely stressful and unappealing.  I had to do it though because I start my new job tomorrow, and they told me I had to have a black button up shirt…which I don’t have.  Button up shirts with E-cup boobs is never advisable.  I suspect I’ll be re-doing the buttons up continuously, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, by the time I convinced myself to switch off Netflix (it took awhile) and go to the shops, it was the middle of the day and freaking hot.  I was in the lightest, summer-iest dress I owned and I was boiling by the time I crossed the carpark.  I know in a couple of months I’ll be looking back on this and laughing, but coming out of  a cold winter, my body is really struggling to deal with the sudden onset of sunshine.

When I shop, I have a simple goal in mind: walk into as few shops as possible, try on as few items as possible, leave as quickly as possible.  I hate shopping.  I hate shopping centres and getting stuck behind giant groups of people walking so slowly they might as well just stop.  I hate trying to find stores.  I hate trying to find a carpark.  The whole thing is just so unappealing.  I will never be one to go to a place like that just for fun.  True to form, I raced into Target, looked at all the pretty dresses that weren’t designed for fat people, dug around until I found a black shirt, raced into the changeroom, decided it wasn’t great but for $8 it will do, bought it, hit up the grocery store, ticked off my 8 items on my shopping list then straight back to the car and out of there.  On the plus side, it clocked up 2000 steps so that made it almost worth it.

The rest of the day was spent actively avoiding the heat (not helped by the fact that my aircon doesn’t work).  I napped, caught up on other people’s blogs, played the Sims and watched more Netflix.  How did Australia ever get by without it?

Up until about 6pm, I was thinking my exercise wasn’t going to happen today.  It was still humid and I wasn’t feeling it at all.  Then suddenly, the cool change crept in.  Nothing beats the cool change after days of hot weather.  That was enough motivation for me to go outside and tick another day off.  It was another beautiful night.  It was overcast but still warm, and there was a faint smell of rain in the air.  If only it would actually eventuate…

As I mentioned earlier, I start my new job tomorrow.  I feel very weird about it.  I feel like I’m lying to them knowing I will probably be taking another job in the very near future.  I know it happens and it’s to be expected when I originally applied for a full time role there and all they could offer me was casual, but I still feel like I’m messing them around.  There’s nothing I can do about it though…I can’t risk telling them about it until I get a definite yes, in case I don’t get the other job.  It’s taken me so long to get anything at all.  At least for my first couple of weeks they’re only really short shifts, so I’m not putting anyone out too much I suppose.  I know I should be feeling excited, but I honestly don’t think I’ll be working there in a few weeks, and even if for some reason the other job falls through, this job isn’t something I ever envisioned for myself, nor is it something I’m passionate about.  It’s literally just a job and at 25, I feel very frustrated about that.  I feel like everything is out of my control and I don’t like it at all.  I know I just have to wait and see how everything pans out but God I’m sick of waiting.  I feel like that’s all my life as been for the past three months.  Waiting waiting waiting.

I also found out today my grandmother has uterine (?) cancer.  She’s been feeling off for a couple of weeks but she got a confirmed diagnosis today.  Just another crappy event in this extremely shitty year.  Mum had cancer about six months ago (luckily they could just cut it out and that was the end of it), and now her mum has it.  The worst part is, she’s got dementia (at least, the early stages of it) and she’s probably going to forget she’s even going through all this.  It’d be easier for her if my grandpa was still around because he was always there to remind her of what’s going on, but unfortunately he passed away last year.  It also doesn’t help she lives about an hour and a half away from the rest of her family.  It’s going to be tough on my mum and uncle, who will alternate driving down there and staying there on and off until this is over.  They’re hoping a hysterectomy will get it all…I hope so.  I honestly don’t know how she’ll cope if it’s anything more than that.  I don’t know how the family will cope in general.

Urgh.  2015 just needs to fuck off already.  I’m so over being dealt blow after blow.  The car accident on my birthday was definitely a bad omen or something.  I just want things to be easy again.

-JD

Time to Change – Day Sixteen

Today was one of my good days.  I felt a lot less gross and crampy than yesterday, and I got a bit more sleep than I’d been averaging over the last week (I resorted to sleeping tablets, though they were a different brand to what I’m used to and definitely not as potent.  Still, they did the job enough for me to not feel like a zombie).  As I said yesterday, I was willing to give myself a day off from exercise, so I skipped my morning walk.

I ate a healthy breakfast of weetbix and chia seeds with honey, which is fast becoming my favourite option for my first meal of the day as it is easier to prepare than eggs and healthier than toast.  By the time lunchtime rolled around, I was in one of those weird moods where I’m kind of hungry but not enough to eat.  This lasted well into the afternoon.  I nibbed on some BBQ Shapes but wasn’t really into it, and put them away pretty quickly.

Thankfully my appetite came back for dinner, and I made up the rest of my daily calories then.  I was feeling pretty good, the best I’d done in over 24 hours, and the weather outside was cooling down after another hot day as the sun was sinking.  My dog was carrying on, obviously upset that I hadn’t taken her for her exercise, so I decided that I wasn’t going to skip it today after all.

It’s funny, even now I don’t really feel guilty when I eat the wrong thing (okay, maybe slightly, but nothing I can’t easily overlook), but when I think about skipping exercise – even for a legitimate reason – I can’t bring myself to do it.  I wouldn’t say I enjoy it…not consciously, anyway.  I hate feeling sore and sweaty and out of breath.  I guess on a subconscious level, though, my body is enjoying the benefits of my new routine, and because of that, I feel really lazy and gross if I don’t make the effort and go.  I remember feeling the same way when I started a gym routine a few years back…I’d just forgotten about that feeling up until now.  It’s good that it’s happening, because if it wasn’t, I know for a fact I wouldn’t have made the effort tonight.  Even with the guilt, I was still on the fence about it.  What tipped me over was just how beautiful an evening it was.  Daylight savings had finally kicked in, so it was getting darker later, and the air was still warm from the day, without the sun to make it unbearable.  The sky was tinged with pink and the breeze was soft and welcoming.  I walked a little slower than usual just to enjoy it a bit longer (and also because walking on a full stomach wasn’t the greatest life choice) and got home right at the sun was disappearing completely.

Despite the pretty night, I think I’ll try to go back to my morning routine tomorrow.  Like I’ve mentioned previously, I think it’s best to get into the habit so when I start working full time again, it won’t be such an effort to go beforehand.  Plus, as safe as my area seems, there’s always a lingering doubt about walking around as it’s getting dark.  It’s a sad world when females have to think like that, even when there doesn’t appear to be any immediate danger.

Hope y’all had an awesome day too!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Fourteen

Today was a good day.  There’s nothing quite like the anticipation of a beautiful, warm spring day, especially after a cold winter.  I won’t go into too much detail, as I already talked about it here.  It really put me in a good headspace, which after putting weight back on wasn’t exactly where I was at yesterday.

I woke up at 6am after a crappy sleep again.  My neck was sore from all the tossing and turning I’d done, and I’d had weird dreams with a Vanessa Carlton backing track (true story).  Normally after a night like that, it completely throws out my day as I struggle to shake off the grumpiness.  I don’t do well when I’m tired.  However, I knew I needed to shake it off and get my head in the game if I had any chance of dropping the weight I’d put back on.  Instead of going back to sleep like my eyes were pleading me to do, I got up, pulled on my shoes and took the dog for her walk.  The temperature was supposed to be really warm and I didn’t want to fall back asleep and wake up when it was too hot to go.

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The other reason I made myself go so early was because I knew at some point, this would probably have to become the norm for me, once I start working again.  As much as I don’t like that idea (especially because it will probably be right on dawn as it’ll be daylight savings), I’ve done it before, a few years ago when I lived in an apartment that backed onto a beautiful lake and walking track.  I’d get up before work, pull on my Nikes and do a full loop of the track (being extremely careful to give the angry geese a wide berth…those things were terrifying!).  I really miss that walking track, it was always so peaceful and beautiful.  I lived there prior to getting my dog, and I know it’s absolutely out of the question to have stayed there with her.  Still, pictures like this come up in my Timehop and my heart sinks just a little bit.

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No filter needed!  Still, the estate I’m in now isn’t without it’s charms and it doesn’t have any crazy geese.  None that I’ve run into yet, anyway!

Anyway, I digress.  What was I talking about?  Oh right.  So the early morning walk went well.  It was a beautiful day.  The sun was already out but it hadn’t started warming up too much.  It was windy, but nothing out of the ordinary.  My nan refers to the area as “the windiest place on Earth”…while she has a knack for exaggerating, it’s hard to find a day where there isn’t a strong breeze.  By the last kilometre, my legs were really sore…a lot more than usual.  I suspect it was because when I go for my walks later in the day my muscles have had a chance to stretch and warm up a bit prior…they didn’t get that chance today and it never occurred to me to stretch before I go.  I know you’re technically supposed to do it before any exercise but a light walk is hardly what anyone would call strenuous.  Lesson learnt.

The rest of today was spent reading other people’s blogs, soaking in the tub, enjoying the fresh air and watching the season finale of “Finding Carter”.  It’s not often I get into shows like that (they’re so American and the cast is always so goddamn beautiful it’s painful to watch) but the storyline of this really sucked me in and the plot twists were fantastic.  So now I’m left hanging and already dying for it to come back…which is why I don’t let myself watch shows like this.  Ah well.

I feel like I haven’t eaten the best today but MyFitnessPal seems to say I’m tracking okay, both calorie-wise and in terms of my carbs/fats/protein portions.  I’m going to give it an even better go tomorrow, now that I’ve eaten through a majority of the junk food that was leftover from when my friend was here.  Time to get serious about shifting the weight again.  I’ll probably go for another early walk tomorrow as it’s gonna be pretty warm again.  Plus, getting it out the way before breakfast leaves the day wide open to enjoy, instead of putting it off and procrastinating.

Hope everyone else enjoyed the weather like I did!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Ten

Well, I’ve officially hit double digits in my challenge!  I’m feeling really good today, much better than I have for a little while.  I think the healthy eating and regular exercise are starting to help, I feel cleaner and healthier than I have in awhile.  It’s a weird feeling to describe, but I guess my body was so used to junk that I didn’t know any better.

I went for my walk nice and early today, and it was perfect weather for it.  Cool but not cold, overcast so the sun wasn’t burn-y, a slight breeze.  For the first time in four days, I enjoyed the exercise instead of just doing it because I knew it had to be done.

I got some cleaning done today too, which for me, is no small fete.  I fucking HAAAAATE cleaning.  Like, I’ll avoid it at all costs, even if it means I’m surrounded by grossness.  People ask me how I can stand it.  Honestly, I just don’t really notice it.  I know that must sound crazy to most people, but it really doesn’t concern me at all.  Safe to say, if I was a sims character, I’d have the “slob” trait.  So for me to feel motivated enough to clean is saying something.

I guess I feel so good today because when I stepped on the scales this morning, I was officially under 91kgs!  Not by much, but still!  I’ve almost lost a kilo, and although it’s definitely a slower process than I’d like, at least all my determination and hard work is finally starting to reflect on the scales a little bit.  Next aim is to officially be out of the 90s, which is something I haven’t been in at least a year (possibly two).  I’m so close, I’m sure I can manage it!

The other reason I’m feeling good right now is that I signed my contract for my new job today.  Like I mentioned yesterday, it’s not the ideal job, but after hunting and being knocked back over and over again, it’s finally nice to know someone wants to give me a chance.  I dealt with the Regional Manager for both my interview and again today, and she’s one of the loveliest people I’ve met in a long time, all smiles and compliments that you can tell are actually genuine.  I’ve had a very different experience with Regional managers prior to this, so I’m looking forward to the new change.

I’m picking up my best friend tonight and we’ll probably wind up eating out.  This is going to be my first big cheat meal since I started this, and while part of me is concerned I’ll fall off the wagon afterwards, I’m determined not to.  Like I said in one of my first posts, my rule isn’t “absolutely no junk ever” – I’m just going to have it sparingly, and when I’m out.  After 10 days of eating healthy, I know one meal isn’t going to hurt too much.  Plus, I’ve allowed for it by having smaller meals earlier today and leaving more calories left over for tonight.  No guarantees I’ll stay under my daily limit, but hopefully I won’t completely blow it out either.

Hopefully y’all had a great day too!
-JD

Time to Change – Day Nine

Today wasn’t great.  It wasn’t as bad as yesterday though.  I slept horribly last night, I’m not sure why.  I was just restless and woke up heaps of times and struggled to get back to sleep.  Due to this, I was really tired all morning and felt very unmotivated.  I was hungry but couldn’t be bothered eating.  In the end, though, I gave myself a talking to and decided that – sleep or no sleep – I was going to get through today, just like I did yesterday.

I forced myself to eat a banana for breakfast, then went out on errands that I really didn’t want to go on, and that I’d been avoiding for awhile.  I got lost on the way there (completely normal for me) and wound up doing three separate U-turns. Needless to say, I was pretty frustrated and it wasn’t a good morning.  I got home and all I wanted to do was sleep, but once again, my body was like “hahaha no”.  I once again found a bunch of excuses as to why I wasn’t going to exercise today, and once again, I refused to let myself give up.  The sky was overcast but the temperature was nice and it wasn’t too windy (which is a small miracle where I live, because it’s almost always windy).  I couldn’t bail on my walk today with the conditions so perfect for once.  So I dragged my weary body off the couch and out the door.

Isn’t it funny how exercise should make you tired, but actually does the opposite?  By the time the walk was over, I was wide awake.  I guess the fresh air did me some good.  I felt pretty good, even towards the end, where I tend to slow down and convince my feet to keep going.  I think it helped it was overcast – I didn’t feel overheated and gross.

I got some good news later in the afternoon – after about 15 different interviews and a month and a half of frantically looking, I finally got offered a job!  Not one I’d ideally have chosen, and only on a casual basis, but after so many rejections it’s a step in the right direction.

I kept up my healthy eating for dinner, and I may even try a 7-minute workout later tonight if my energy levels don’t crap out on me (which there is a risk of happening).  I don’t know why I struggled so much with healthy eating before.  Granted, it takes some effort and planning, but it’s not difficult.  Other than fruit and a couple of naughty little after-dinner treats, I’ve pretty much cut out sugar.  I’m only drinking water and milk (six months ago, I’d drink diet coke with most meals).  I’ve completely cut out take away (six months ago I’d have it 3-4 times a week).  I think now I’m rejoining the work force I may find it all a little bit harder, but I think it will be okay.  I just have to be extra meticulous at planning ahead and I can’t let myself get lazy.  I think I can do it!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Eight

Today was hard.  I don’t know why specifically.  I just felt extremely unmotivated.  All I wanted was a pizza and to sleep on the couch.  Honestly, I was close to doing just that.  Previously, I most likely would have.  I decided I wasn’t going to fall into that trap again though.  I’ve come this far, and this will no doubt be the first of many “low days”, and I had to find a way to get through them.  It was time to dig deep and find the self-control and self-motivation that, up until a week ago, I didn’t have much of.

I ate an okay breakfast (although I traded vegemite for honey) and a high protein lunch and dinner.  I also made sure I went on my daily walk, even though I really wanted to bail on it.  I even went so far as to say “it’s Sunday, I can rest today”.  While having a rest day wouldn’t hurt, I knew if I started giving into my pathetic excuses, it would snowball as always.  Plus, my dog was giving me her puppy eyes and I couldn’t tell her that I couldn’t be bothered.

The walk seemed tougher than usual too.  I think it was because it was quite a warm day and I was already feeling pretty flat.  The reason why I like walks so much (apart from the fact they make my doggy happy and I get a tan at the same time) is that once you start, you have to keep going no matter what, or you’ll be stranded.  It’s easy to throw in the towel with exercise equipment because you haven’t actually gone anywhere.  If you’re on a walk, it’s either keep going or sit on the side of the road until you decide to keep going.  It means I’m not risking my self-motivation giving out, and it usually does.  I know for a fact it would have today.

I hope tomorrow is a little easier.  Even if it isn’t, I got through today and I’m sure I can do it again tomorrow.  It will all be worth it soon enough!

-JD

Time to Change – Day Five

Today was an okay day.  Not fantastic but I feel better than I did yesterday and the day before.  I have kept up on my healthy eating.  I know I’m not even a week into it, but for me to have lasted this long and only having one small hit of actual sugary goodness is pretty impressive.  Part of the reason (a large part, probably) that my previous attempts at dieting failed was because I’d reward myself with food.  It’d tell myself “hey, you ate well yesterday, it’s only one bad meal, it’s fine”…and I’d be right if for the whole rest of the week I kept eating healthy.  But no, the next day would come and I’d go out to lunch with a friend and say “well, I’m out to lunch, may as well enjoy it” and again, I would eat unhealthy.  The worst part was, I didn’t even think twice about it.  Oh sure, there was that annoying little voice in the back of my head squealing “you’re supposed to be dieting!” but over the years I’ve become accustomed to tuning it out.

Tying into that, I also used MyFitnessPal…wrong.  I’d track my meals and exercise (what little of that there was).  The thing with that app though, is that if you don’t eat all day then binge on Maccas for dinner, you can still stay under your calorie limit.  Obviously, that’s not what the app is aiming for and yeah, you don’t meet your protein needs by doing that, but it’s easy to tell yourself “the app says it’s fine!”.  I have also used Noom to track meals, and overall I believe it is a better app as it breaks foods down into “red, yellow and green” and tells you how much you can eat of each.  This actually taught me a lot about nutrition that MFP never could.  My main issue with that app (keeping in mind it may have had updates since I last used it) was that it didn’t link up to fitness trackers such as my Jawbone wristband, which I was using last time I tried dieting.  This was a major drawback as it was a real pain trying to correlate your step count with your diet manually.  This is why I’ve gone back to MFP – I have an Apple watch and it links up beautifully, taking into account my steps and working out an overall picture of how my day has gone.  This time around, though, I’m being careful not to cheat.  Just because the app allows for it, doesn’t mean it’s right!

Anyway, I digress.  What was I talking about again?  Oh right, rewarding myself with food treats.  This time around, that ain’t happening.  I’m not having “cheat meals”, which seem to be all the rage and part of every diet plan these days.  I’m not saying I’ll never eat unhealthy, because that’s ridiculous, but I’m making a rule that the only time I’m going to eat unhealthy is when I’m eating out.  Given I’m unemployed and my social life is hardly what anyone would consider raging at the best of times, I think this will work out okay.

I’m still feeling hungry most of the day but it’s considerably less so than yesterday. It’s there but it’s not in the forefront of my mind continuously like it was.  I’m also trying to snack more instead of having big meals, which is probably helping a little.  The cravings are still there, but it’s mostly when it’s bought to my attention – through ads on the TV (“what I wouldn’t give to have those Maccas chips in my hand right now”) and emails (“Oh, Dominos have a promotion, I’ll just have a quick look!”).  I never realized just how successful advertising was.  I mean, I knew it had some success over both me and the general public (otherwise they wouldn’t waste big bucks doing it), but I didn’t fully comprehend to what extend.  It really only takes an image of some of my favourite foods for my mind to jump from the healthy eating train to the junk food wagon.  Luckily, I haven’t let myself give in.  I can eat a pizza now and fall off the diet and stay fat forever, or I can push it out of my mind, snack on something healthy and stay on this journey.  I know which option I’ll be thanking myself later for, and it ain’t pizza.

I’ve been keeping up with exercising, taking the dog for a long walk each day.  Surprisingly, I’m already finding the walks easier each time.  I knew eventually they’d make me fitter, I just didn’t think I’d feel the change so quickly.  Each day I’m doing the track faster, and feeling less horrible at the end.  Another sign that everything I’m doing is working!

-JD

Time to Change – Day One

So, it’s become particularly apparent of late that my weight is an issue.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been on the heavy side.  I realized I was quite big (that’s the nicest way of putting it) a couple of years ago.  Instead of stopping myself then and there, I let the problem get worse.  I don’t know how much I’ve gained between then and now, it could be 10kgs or 15, I’m not 100% sure.  All I know is, I look back on photos of when I was a teenager only 5 or 6 years ago, and I was a different person (and not because of my emo attire back then).  The sad thing is, at the time, I thought I was fat then too.  Okay, I was still a size 14, but I WASN’T FAT.  Not like now.

It’s easy for fat people to blame so ciety, to say “love me the way I am”, to see it as normal.  I’m not suggesting that people should be allowed to trash talk or bully overweight people – I’m sure the views on themselves are worse than what anyone else could say anyway – but I know personally, I used all three of those lines as excuses.  “We’re just in a fat world now, it’s not weird”.  I’d convince myself of this.  I knew even as I was using them though that it was nothing more than a defense mechanism.  If I hate myself at this size, why do I have any right to expect anyone else to love me for it?

In Australia, almost 2 out of 3 adults are overweight.

Let that sink in a little.  That is a huge, huge number.  This is also why it’s so easy for individuals like me to sweep the issue under the rug.  To shrug it off, say that it’s just the way it is.

It doesn’t have to be.

Some people have genuine health problems that lead them to become overweight, I appreciate that.  I also think that a lot of people use this as an excuse.  It’s easier to explain away your weight if you can find a condition to blame it on.  I’m not suggesting this is true in all cases (it’s obviously not), but I find it hard to believe that almost 2/3rds of the population is fat due to a hormone imbalance or medication.

I guess I’m straying from my point.  Right now, I don’t care about the rest of the world.  If they are happy with themselves, then great.  I’m no longer going to let them drag me down into this “normality”.  I’m fat because I made myself fat.  If people with an alcohol problem need to acknowledge their problem before they move forward, then it stands to reason people with an eating problem do too.

I made myself fat.

I’ve put on about 30kgs in 5 years.  It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.  It’s easy to overlook it when it happens gradually.  It’s even easier when you spend a majority of your days around overweight people.  I worked full-time and about an hour away, in a shopping centre where fast food is everywhere.  Even if I avoided the greasy temptations there, I’d stop off at Maccas on the way home for dinner.  It’d leave at 7.30am and get home at 6.30pm.  I’d be tired before work, I’d be even more tired after work.  Too tired to exercise.  On the weekends I’d channel surf, play computer games and go out to lunch with friends.  The weekend was my time.  I’m not going to ruin it with boring, uncomfortable exercise.  This is how the weight crept on – through all the excuses I fed myself along with all the fast food.

For those of you who haven’t experienced being overweight, you probably can’t really imagine it.  I mean, you probably think you can, and it’s probably partially correct.  Having never been naturally skinny, I don’t know what you’d think it’s like.  Let me break it down for you.

  • You wake up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror and hate yourself.  Imagine that for a second.  Your day hasn’t even started and it’s already off on the wrong foot because of your reflection.  Some people chose to avoid mirrors for this reason.  I did for a long while.  Then I moved into a rental with mirrored wardrobes and suddenly I don’t have that luxury any more.  Even if you avoid the mirrors, you know that you have to face the world and everyone else is going to see you.  Yep, such a great start to each day.
  • It’s lunchtime.  You forgot to pack lunch (it happens).  Suddenly, you realize you have to buy lunch.  From a food court.  One of the most unhealthy food selections around.  You can spend half your lunchbreak trying to find something healthy (and break the bank for the trouble), or you can get take away.  Inevitably, you get take away, and while you eat it, you try not to look like you’re enjoying it too much (even though take away always tastes like heaven).  You hate yourself.  The fat person is eating greasy take away.  You feel like a massive stereotype.  You are a massive stereotype.  You assume everyone is judging you, even your friends.
  • The seasons are changing.  Oh god, you need to go clothes shopping.  Is today going to be the day you can no longer find things at Target that fit you?  Even if you can find things that fit, will you find anything that doesn’t pull awkwardly and make you look even bigger?  Clothes shopping is one of the most stressful, horrible things a fat person can do.  It’s in public, it’s uncomfortable trying so many different things on and it’s depressing when you find cute things and know they’d never make it in your size (and if they do, it won’t sit right because it was made for thin people).  You wind up buying clothes you don’t even really like, purely because they fit and don’t make you feel too much worse about yourself than normal.
  • You friends are all getting engaged and pregnant and you are single, and always have been.  You’ve been on a couple of dates but nothing came from them.  You’ve liked people but they weren’t interested (big surprise, you’re huge).  You know even if you managed to find someone, you’d be thinking the whole time “why are they with me?” and assuming all their family and friends are not only judging you, but your partner as well for being with someone so big.  You’re plagued with such self-loathing and doubt that you ruin anything before it even starts.
  • You apply for jobs, but you first have to work out whether you’d be suitable for it.  Is their uniform going to fit you?  Are you going to be someone they want representing them?  You mentally rule out most clothing places, most real estate jobs…basically anything where skinny, beautiful people are front and centre.  Even when you land an interview, you know deep down you probably won’t get it because someone more attractive will get it.  Yes, this is discrimination, but how can anyone actually prove it?

These reasons are why fad diets are so popular, and always have been.  Who doesn’t want a quick fix to address oversized stomachs, flabby arms and chubby thighs?   Especially when your friend’s friend (supposedly) had great success with it.  I’ve always tried to avoid fad diets, though I have tried a couple.  No success whatsoever, needless to say.

I have a terrible diet and I hate exercise.  If we’re being honest about everything, it’s best to start there.  I don’t think this is a particularly unusual thing in this “normal fat” world.  It’s too easy to find amazing tasty (extremely fatty, greasy) food and too hard to find motivation to get off the couch.  I’m also a fussy eater.  I always have been.  Before you start, it’s not something you can just turn off.  I’m sure you have something you hate the taste of – I just dislike the taste of a wider variety of things.  I wish I didn’t as it makes having a healthy diet harder.  I don’t know who’s to blame for it.  It’s easy to point the fingers at my family, but my sister isn’t fussy like me.  I guess it doesn’t matter, it just is what it is and what it is is an additional complication to weight loss.

Today, I’m making a change.

I’m done with being fat.  I’m done with wishing I could wear cute clothes.  I’m done with convincing myself that pizza for dinner won’t hurt.  I’m done sitting on the couch all day wishing things were different.

I’m 91 kilograms today.  I ate donuts for breakfast like this is normal.  IT ISN’T.

September is the last month I’m going to be 91kgs.

It’s going to be difficult, and progress will no doubt be slower than I’d like.  That’s the issue, isn’t it?  You feel motivated, work out a couple of times, the scales don’t change and you go back to your old ways.  That’s how it’s always been for me anyway.

This time it’s different.  This time, I’m laying everything out in the open.  I’m going to document everything on here.  I’m sure it’s been done a thousand times before by other people going through the same struggle.  I don’t care.  I’m not doing it for other people and their light-reading enjoyment.  I’m doing it for me.  The best motivator for me is to know other people are watching.  That if I fail, I’m letting them down too, not just me.  It’s easy to let myself down – the easiest thing in the world – but I hate letting other people down.  I hate trying to explain why.

Today I went for a 50 minute walk around my suburb.  I haven’t gone on a walk like that in at least a year.  I can’t even remember the last time I went on one that long.  And you know what?  I surprised myself.  I assumed – wrongly – that I’d be sweating bullets and feeling awful by the 20 minute mark.  I didn’t start to feel that way until I was almost home, and even then, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  The sun was out, the sky was blue and it was really nice.  More proof that I really do have it in me to change.  I’m also going to plan out my meals ahead of time, so I don’t fall into my old lazy ways of snacking on bad food or cooking quick meals.

This won’t be easy, but it will be done.  It has to be.  It’s time to change.cb7aaf5ad5b963b95c7485c46c4f27d011123890_1429776213994099_1480929173_n